Organized Chaos

I find myself awake at 02:00 in the morning unable to sleep.  My mind is full of chaotic and random thoughts but more observation reveals a pattern.  All of these floating thoughts and ideas revolve around a central idea.  I need to stop letting people dictate to me.

I have become soft, too dependent on the people in my life.  I didn't used to be this way.  In fact everything started going down hill when I started opening up and letting my guard down.  I suppose it makes sense that if one let's their guard down they become weak.

Today I let my guard down.  Completely just laid myself out there bare.  I did this because I foolishly thought that it would help.  It didn't.  I suppose on the upside I learned some lessons today.  Or at the very least was reminded of concepts I clearly forgot:

• Sometimes I simply have to acknowledge things as they are.  
• I am better, stronger when I am alone.  
• My mind and my heart are too complex for anyone to really understand, of the few that really tried, only those fully committed found success.  
• Those who abandoned me can't be trusted.  
• I am the dumbass if I trust them again. 
• The vast majority of people in my life have let me down.
• I am a man who views the world with a complex vision consisting of rules and prediction.  Emotions cloud this vision.
• My heart is my enemy, and can be used as a weapon against me.
• It never really was, it was all a lie.
• I regret things I have said, things I have done, and nothing can change that.
• If I knew then I what I know now, I would do only one thing differently.

This post was a waste of time, I apologize if you read it this far...