I recently had the opportunity to chat with my aunt Sue. Sue and I share a unique vision for the world and find ourselves commonly able to swap stories about our frustrations and experiences in life. During this conversation we started to talk about one of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with people in this life and that is the hard decision we must make when dealing with people who frustrate or disappoint us. What we independently discovered is that the choice is binary. We either have to choose to cut that person out of our lives or we choose to lower our standards to build a new framework of expectation that removes the frustration. Both of these processes are extremely painful. On the one hand you end a relationship and at least for me if I called them my friend, it was because I love them. On the other you have to patiently accept people who fail to meet your expectations or enrich your life by effectively giving up on them.
No relationship is perfect. Anyone who claims so is either a fool or still intoxicated (be it by the excitement of a new relationship or by something else :) ) Even my marriage, which is the most fantastic and wonderful relationship in my life has it's flaws. I had two very important realizations while talking with my aunt. The first was that all relationships at one level or another are flawed and some level of compromise if required. The other was that the key to overcoming the greatest of these challenges was love.
I've written about love before but I thought it might help to describe it again. If you could dissect love down to it's deepest core concept it would be this. Love is prioritizing something over something else. For human relationships it is prioritizing the needs and desires of someone else before your own. There are degrees and limits but the basic litmus test for any action is to look and see what motivated it. The REASON you do something is far more important than what you actually did. It is looking at this motivation where you discover if it was love for yourself or another that drove your actions.
Applying this logic to review several relationships that failed I realized what alluded me before. The reason it failed was a lack of love. It wasn't always me who lacked the love, but it was me often enough for me to look back at my actions and regret choices I have made.
The purpose of life to understand the nature of GOD. Regardless of your religious, spiritual, or other beliefs that is why we are here. I'm certain the atheists would argue this fact but for them we'll simply reword to 'understanding the universe'. Which is the exact same thing, different labels for the same idea. So if we establish the reason we are here is to understand the nature of GOD, and we already have GOD defined as love then the challenge here is to understand the nature of pure love.
Recently, I've allowed myself to forget these facts and the realization of this failure has re awoken the profound desire to be a man who loves freely. I have ended relationships and damaged relationships throughout my entire life because I was not focused on this. I have changed the way I view this world by asking myself in each action I take if I am doing this because it is my desire, or because it enriches the life of someone I love. I should be clear in saying that doesn't mean I intend to become a selfless saint, I am simply challenging myself to ask the question, and be ready to accept the answer. If I do something that is self motivated the challenge will be understand it in that light, and accept myself and my choices as such. The act of asking this question of myself will put me back on track to improving myself. To reestablish the standards I once had. I can no longer sweep my failures under the rug of excuses I fed myself "because I loved them" without that truly being the case. I will once again hold myself fully accountable for my actions and the feelings that motivated them. I will once again be a man bound by honor.
So we return to my original question. Should I build a logical framework for better determining if it is time to give up? I think I will, because sometimes giving up is the best way to love someone.
I see you had another fight with the insomnia monster last night....but it appears, in your sleeplessness, you gained some rather important insights. For that I am happy and I am pleased that I might have played a small part in you actualizing that insight.
ReplyDeleteThe element that underlies your realizations, as you pointed out, is love. Love for others, love for God, and love for self. We certainly have control over all of these, but as you aptly pointed out, we cannot control the love that others may or may not feel for or demonstrate to us, so we must accept that and make decisions based on that acceptance.
There was one passage in your post that I felt was rather profound;
"The sort of patience I am talking about is an ability to keep working on an interpersonal problem with someone I love even when it appears hopeless. I used to be proud of this trait but I have started to wonder if it would just be better if I started to work on a framework for better determining when it's time to throw in the towel."
I see this as the gist of your dilemma. And the answer to your question (should you build a logical framework for giving up) is clearly evident within this passage. I think we all need to build that framework, even though it may be a very painful thing to do. I have had some relationships that have caused me and the other person so much pain, that it was best to cut all ties and move on. Sad as that may sound, I believe that doing so has allowed me to better evoke my love of the other person, my love of God, and my love of self. When we are unhappy or disappointed in a relationship we are not giving the best of ourselves to the other person nor to ourselves, and therefore both of us ultimately end up unhappy and dissatisfied. And in this condition, certainly we are not able to give the best of ourselves to this world (God if you want to view it as such); that which we were intended to give during our presence here.
I have considered one of my most important tasks in this life(and most certainly my biggest challenge), was to figure out my purpose in this life and to fulfill that purpose as best I can. As I've aged I've learned more and more about this, but I'm still learning and at times it is a struggle.
Build that framework and keep it in your intellectual and emotional toolbox, because I agree, sometimes giving up is the best way to love.