Seething Indifference

Who needs people anyway?

2011-11-29T11:33:00.001-06:00

I haven't posted much this month. I have several half started rants related to personal responsibility and the decline of human society but I never finished my thoughts. This post is unrelated to any of those posts and simply me rambling on about my personal lunacy. You were warned.

I've been sick for the past two weeks and I'm still not over it. This has caused me to feel really 'fuzzy' in my ability to think. When I'm tired, sick, inebriated etc these streams of consciousness are dulled and fuzzy, limiting some of my speed and bandwidth as it relates to thought. However this has a strange effect of making it actually a little easier to think in some ways. I can't process as many things at once so I respond more slowly and sometimes without having thought through every possibility. I can however focus more on single streams of thought/consciousness. This is a big contrast to normal conditions where the experience of being trapped in my head it would be like visiting an electronics store in the TV section and every single TV would be on a different station and volume up high. So when you couple excess downtime with a mind better suited to solving single problems the backlog of mental puzzles begins to make some serious progress.

What I found while processing many of the social problems in the queue is that the same conclusions kept coming back and returning to the same recurring idea. "People in general suck, don't bother with trying to understand them, or even interacting with them." It seems to be an effective universal solution to many of the puzzles in my mind currently that relate to other human beings. However I'm not sure if I'm sold on a return to some of my more hermit like habits. If you are a long time reader of my blog you'll know I spent much of 2011 exploring becoming a more social creature. I realize now that many of the reasons for that were based on thoughts and poison in my mind that has since left me. However, I'm still debating if my natural disdain for humanity if driving these desires to return to 'the hermit' life, if it is the result of honest intellectual processes, or if the mental/emotional/spiritual poison recently purged from my life may still have after effects that are skewing my perspective.

I don't have a conclusion because I'm not sharp enough at the moment to draw one so I'll leave you with this question that I think sums up this post. Is it possible to be a misanthrope yet still desire contact with decent human beings?

Clarity in the Fog of Madnesss

2011-11-08T00:39:00.001-06:00

My last post was an emotional disorganized jumble of crap that was the result of venting frustration. I will endeavor for this post to be a bit more organized at hopefully a better example of proper grammar. ;) The idea that has been stuck in my head is a continuation of a theme I have posted about many times in the past year of trying to understand how *I* work as a social creature. A recent set of revelations has shed more light on the subject.

I recently solved a problem. Well I suppose solved isn't the right word I suppose developed a logical framework that if accepted could resolve several logical disputes that have existed in my mind for some time. My confidence in this solution however is pretty low because this completely insane idea came after several sleepless nights and I can't tell if I have stumbled on a genius solution, or the preposterous ideas of a madman. Have you ever questioned your own mind? When something makes so much sense but at the same time you can also see it as lunatic raving.

I don't really want to talk about the 'solution' directly because that's not the point of this post. The point of this post is to try to work out a reasonable or logical method by which one (I) could review a theory and determine if I am looking at genius or madness. The way I have historically done this is put the idea on the shelf, in the low priority processing queue and see if it holds up to repeated testing and scrutiny. This particular situation doesn't allow for that and because of this there is no reasonable way to test these theories. The only way they can make sense is when you apply them to my previous memories and understandings to attempt to reconcile these impossible dichotomies that I have observed. These polar extremes of observed situations that previous logic/understanding would have said were impossible to both exist can no longer be used. Einstein said that “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” So it's clear I must find a different logical framework to explain my observations however my observations are relative and corrupted by my memory. So with a framework that can't be tested and is used to explain situations observed in the past that are tainted by my impressions at the time and my impressions now I am left without a method definitively claim victory or defeat over these problems.

This is not a rhetorical question I seriously don't know. Is it better to forget about these unbalanced equations, continue to try to solve them, or by faith accept this new crazy theory that so far has been nearly prefect in explaining previously opposed observations? To those who aren't blessed/cursed with a mind that constantly questions things I'm sure that if you made this far into the post feel as though they have read the pointless ranting of lunatic and for that I'm sorry, not really you read at your own risk. :) For the rest I invite those who understand what it's like to think about everything to provide some advice as I'm certain I'm not the first or last person to have this question. At this point I'm not sure if I can see the light, or if I'm imagining it.

I don't care...or "How to understand what I REALLY mean"

2011-10-24T23:00:00.001-05:00

Incoming rant: WHY MUST PEOPLE PRESUME THEY THINK WHAT I MEAN WHEN THEY REFUSE TO HEAR WHAT I SAID?! I mean seriously. WTF is wrong with you people? I have a speech impediment that few are able to notice because of a very elaborate system I developed to deal with it. One of the side benefits is that system is that I have usually thought about what I intended to say before I say it. I'm not perfect, I commonly make mistakes and/or I say things without fully considering how someone might interrupt them but I have noticed more recently that I am more misunderstood than I think is reasonable...

I am a man who really appreciates the words as they are defined. Sometimes this causes problems when people presume what I mean based on their common experience with other humans who misuse certain phrases. One example: "I don't care." For many people this is a confusing phrase because it can mean "I am angry and therefor won't share my opinion" or "I'm passive aggressive and want YOU to make a decision" or "I'm too upset to think". When I say I don't care, it is commonly because I don't care.

I - pronoun - the nominative singular pronoun, used by a speaker inreferring to himself or herself.

Don't - verb - contraction of do not.

Care - verb (used without object) - to be concerned or have a special preference

When I say "I don't care" it means I really have no preference. Rarely do I have a deeper meaning, or secretly want you to say something or placate to me because you now think I am in a 'mood'. I seriously couldn't give a rat's ass about whatever incessant detail you've asked me about. Just make a damn decision already!

In a recent example I was talking with a very good friend of mine who was able to get me ranting about Apple products. For those who don't know I loath Apple products because of the way people use them. In the discussion I said something similar to "...their products are designed from the dumb-masses (notice the clever turn of phrase ;) ) ..." The response to that statement was a valid quick quip about why I don't have friends. What my friend and what I feel many people I talk with fail to see is that I said "the PRODUCTS are designed for the dumb-masses" I never said people who bought them were dumb, or that by purchasing one suggested they were stupid. I simply said that the design of the product was designed in such a way so as to appeal to the lowest common denominator. You can counter this argument by suggesting that I intended to correlate enjoying those products as being stupid but that's not necessarily the case and without context suggesting that was my intent it would be better to simply presume what I said is what I meant. If it was my intent to say "people who buy Apple products are stupid" I would have simply said that. In that entire discussion I commented on how Apple products were simplistic and sterilized, with little to offer someone who wants choice or more control over their electronics. I also commented on the social stereotypes and stigmas associated with Apple products and how many people have bought them to 'fit in'. One particular case that comes to mind is someone who cares so little about technology they find operating their iPhone difficult, but still own one because it's trendy to do so. I however never suggested that anyone who preferred Apple products were any less intelligent than another. Though I would say that they may be intellectually lazy because it is my opinion most haven't given alternative solutions a fair trial.

I'm certain it is likely my fault for failing to realize that few people take the time to think about what I say and try to understand it in the true intended context. However it's frustrating when the people I surround myself in life (which automatically have a high level of intelligence or I wouldn't have bothered attempted to converse with them anyway) automatically presume the 'common' meaning for my words rather than thinking more deeply about my intent. I'm sure that I will likely try to find a better compromise but alas expect this to be an ongoing issue in life.

Social Media: Responsibility

2011-09-30T11:52:00.000-05:00

In the modern age a new form a communication has risen and it's called social networking or social media. It is a broad term that describes websites where people can post information and share it with the world at large. Recently in local news a government employee commented on a politically charged subject via their personal and public twitter account. My dear friend Kyla has requested I write a post sharing my thoughts. So here we go...

This particular subject is so broad that it has lots of little bunny trails tempting me to go down. I have lots of commentary to share about personal responsibility, how I think the best way to use social media is, my specific comments on the subject that sparked this post but I think for the purposes of this thread I am going to try to directly answer Kyla's question:

Blog topic: in light if the recent comment about the Jenks and Union "dirtbags," what is your opinion on professions that are highly visible to the public? Should teachers, administrators, principals, etc. Be allowed to have their own social network accounts where they can post their opinions about life? If not, why not? If so, what about the repercussions of the public's opinion of their actions?

So the question here is what I think about visible professionals and their right to use social media. The short answer is that I believe they have the right to do/say whatever they want. That's freedom of speech and there should be no government enforced law preventing them from sharing their thoughts and opinions. Just like freedom of speech in the 'real world' so too the same principles apply. Just because you CAN say something it isn't always the right thing to do. People are responsible for their own actions and this extends to what you say. Though I would be willing to fight and die to protect your freedom to say what you want, it doesn't mean that you can do so with impunity. If I stood outside of my office and started cursing the names of my employers I should logically expect consequences for those choices.

So if you work in a position that makes you viable to the public and you have a personal social media account then it is YOUR choice what you decide to post. However, if you lose your job, or evoke the wrath of people who disagree with what you said then I have no pity or special protection for you. So whether or not you have 2 followers or a million one should always consider that their right to free speech doesn't mean complete impunity. You are responsible for what you say and do and just like I ask my two sons you should ask yourself "are you being an honorable person"?

My greatest challenge

2011-09-17T01:55:00.000-05:00

I have many many many personality flaws. However one that I've recently been struggling with is one that most people don't know. I have nearly limitless patience for those I love. That patience has a scope and limit because another character flaw of mine is short patience in general. That however is a topic for another post. The sort of patience I am talking about is an ability to keep working on an interpersonal problem with someone I love even when it appears hopeless. I used to be proud of this trait but I have started to wonder if it would just be better if I started to work on a framework for better determining when it's time to throw in the towel.

I recently had the opportunity to chat with my aunt Sue. Sue and I share a unique vision for the world and find ourselves commonly able to swap stories about our frustrations and experiences in life. During this conversation we started to talk about one of the most frustrating aspects of dealing with people in this life and that is the hard decision we must make when dealing with people who frustrate or disappoint us. What we independently discovered is that the choice is binary. We either have to choose to cut that person out of our lives or we choose to lower our standards to build a new framework of expectation that removes the frustration. Both of these processes are extremely painful. On the one hand you end a relationship and at least for me if I called them my friend, it was because I love them. On the other you have to patiently accept people who fail to meet your expectations or enrich your life by effectively giving up on them.

No relationship is perfect. Anyone who claims so is either a fool or still intoxicated (be it by the excitement of a new relationship or by something else :) ) Even my marriage, which is the most fantastic and wonderful relationship in my life has it's flaws. I had two very important realizations while talking with my aunt. The first was that all relationships at one level or another are flawed and some level of compromise if required. The other was that the key to overcoming the greatest of these challenges was love.

I've written about love before but I thought it might help to describe it again. If you could dissect love down to it's deepest core concept it would be this. Love is prioritizing something over something else. For human relationships it is prioritizing the needs and desires of someone else before your own. There are degrees and limits but the basic litmus test for any action is to look and see what motivated it. The REASON you do something is far more important than what you actually did. It is looking at this motivation where you discover if it was love for yourself or another that drove your actions.

Applying this logic to review several relationships that failed I realized what alluded me before. The reason it failed was a lack of love. It wasn't always me who lacked the love, but it was me often enough for me to look back at my actions and regret choices I have made.

The purpose of life to understand the nature of GOD. Regardless of your religious, spiritual, or other beliefs that is why we are here. I'm certain the atheists would argue this fact but for them we'll simply reword to 'understanding the universe'. Which is the exact same thing, different labels for the same idea. So if we establish the reason we are here is to understand the nature of GOD, and we already have GOD defined as love then the challenge here is to understand the nature of pure love.

Recently, I've allowed myself to forget these facts and the realization of this failure has re awoken the profound desire to be a man who loves freely. I have ended relationships and damaged relationships throughout my entire life because I was not focused on this. I have changed the way I view this world by asking myself in each action I take if I am doing this because it is my desire, or because it enriches the life of someone I love. I should be clear in saying that doesn't mean I intend to become a selfless saint, I am simply challenging myself to ask the question, and be ready to accept the answer. If I do something that is self motivated the challenge will be understand it in that light, and accept myself and my choices as such. The act of asking this question of myself will put me back on track to improving myself. To reestablish the standards I once had. I can no longer sweep my failures under the rug of excuses I fed myself "because I loved them" without that truly being the case. I will once again hold myself fully accountable for my actions and the feelings that motivated them. I will once again be a man bound by honor.

So we return to my original question. Should I build a logical framework for better determining if it is time to give up? I think I will, because sometimes giving up is the best way to love someone.

Burning bridges and closed doors

2011-09-15T09:42:00.000-05:00

Everyone in life has to deal with people in their life where the relationship fails for whatever reason. Different people deal with this problem differently and in this post I intend to discuss my opinions and advice on the subject.

I tend to have fewer and closer friends than your average Joe, and because of this the end of relationships and friendships happens less, simply by having fewer relationships to manage. The ones that I do manage are naturally closer and the chances of coming to an irreconcilable situations is far less common.

When a relationship dies, no matter if it's a friendship, marriage, professional partnership, or other type of relationship the end result will be the lowest common denominator. Meaning that the conditions of the end of the relationship will be dictated by the person in that relationship who wants the least amount. It is at this moment when people choose to burn bridges, or close doors.

Let's establish common definitions before I provide my opinion and advice. Burning a bridge is when you take specific actions that intend to prevent any possible future for reconciliation. These overt actions can vary in degree and are subject to how they are interrupted by the other party. Closing a door comes in two flavors. Closing a door is when you refuse to attempt to communicate, and the stronger version of locking that door is when you won't entertain the idea of further communication.

My personal policy is to never burn a bridge, or lock a door. However I will close a door. What happens in this scenario is that when a relationship breaks down I tend to get quiet, will allow communication but won't pursue it. This way I feel is the best method when you have decided that what you want, or maybe what you are willing to accept is the end of a relationship. What this means to my former friends is that you may come knock on the door and expect to be able to discuss with me rationally. When someone leaves my circle of trust it is not the end of everything, simply should operate with the knowledge that I will be far more reserved than you were accustomed to as my friend.

The end of any relationship is sad. Regardless of circumstances I don't feel it's appropriate to celebrate such things. It should be handled with dignity and grace. All of the bridges coming to Scott island are made of stronger stuff than the fires people have tried to use. The doors may be strong but they are not locked. Anyone who was once my friend, and wants to try again, should come and visit.

Silence

2011-09-12T08:17:00.000-05:00

I haven't posted in nearly a month and I am sorry. I have been distracted with life and this blog serves as an outlet for feelings and emotions I want to share with the world. Lately, I have not wanted to share much with the world publicly. On top of the normal distractions of work, children, life etc I have been mourning the death of a close friend, participated in a beta test program for gaming software, and spent more time reconnecting with friends and family. I have a few thoughts about some posts coming soon but wanted to update everyone explaining my silence. The raging nerd will post again, I swear it.

The right of the Church to Judge

2011-08-15T00:22:00.005-05:00

This topic was requested by my sister Lisa. Here is the text of her question:

In some of the Christian Churches that I have been a member of, they truly believe in being a baptized believer before being able to be considered “a part of the congregation” (as in a voting member of the church). Here is my question, The Christian Church has the availability not to grant you membership of the church if they are aware that you are living in Sin. I.E. : someone is living with someone of the opposite sex, who is not their spouse, they would be considered, (by the Christian Church) to be living in Sin, and not “Allow” that person membership. I have witnessed this first hand. So my question to you is, is it right for the church not to grant membership to a person due to “someone’s interpretation of sin” or do you think the church is being judgmental, which is also a sin. Is there any type of center-ground here?

So my sister would like to know my thoughts on whether or not a Church is 'right' in making this sort of stand. This one might be interesting.

My simple answer is: 'Yes, any Church is justified in establishing their own qualifications for membership.' A Church in the legal and secular world is simply an organization of people centered around a common set of ideas/principles. From a legal standpoint they aren't much different than a book club, or a square dancing group, etc. With the obvious exceptions of tax status and requirements as a non-profit organization. However the bible defines a church as something a little different. From the biblical perspective the Church is a community of believers who worship and fellowship together. In my opinion in GOD's eyes the only qualification for a 'Church' is when people get together in his name, and in his honor.

So with two very different perspectives on what a Church actually is it lends one to consider how can this question be framed when viewed in different lights. Anyone who's read my blog before knows that I very much support the idea of a personal relationship with GOD and that no man, government, or anything of this world can prevent you from experiencing that loving relationship. With that perspective I reconsider my previous answer and amazingly enough draw the same conclusion. "Yes, they can choose to exclude whomever they want." The reason I draw this conclusion is simply because NO ONE can interfere with your personal relationship with GOD. Therefor if a group of people calling themselves a church decides to exclude someone for whatever reason they are not reflecting GOD's love, and you may not be able to get the fellowship you want from that 'church'. GOD loves us all. Some believe his love is conditional based on your actions, whether you maintain the sacraments, if you follow the laws, etc but *I* personally believe that GOD loves us all, regardless of us returning that love. The Catholics are especially guilty of this. Though a non Catholic may attend mass they REFUSE to allow non-catholics to participate in communion. Hell even Catholics have to meet the criteria, have to be in state of grace (recently told a priest about all their naughty actions, etc) and some other pointless bullshit. As I said this is their 'right' but I would argue it isn't 'right' if you define right as what GOD intends. Regardless of your faith or beliefs in my opinion you are not acting as a conduit of GOD's love when you don't 'love thy neighbor'.

If your religious beliefs require you to believe that 'living in sin' should prevent you access to a community of believers and is an affront to GOD then that is your right. What I will do is pray that you will feel GOD's unending, and unconditional love and be the conduit by which others can experience that love. GOD wants us to love each other as he loves us, and we should love him. Though it is not 'wrong' necessarily by the standards of this world to pick and choose whom you spend your time with it is my firm belief that this is not GOD's intention and regardless of an individuals situation you should love and accept them, as GOD loves and accepts all of us sinners.

A decade with the love of my life.

2011-08-11T12:19:00.002-05:00

10 years ago today Melissa Dawn Brewer finally provided a foundation by which I could build the rest of my happy life on. On this day before GOD, our family, and friends we become one as we were married in a small church in south Tulsa, on a hot August afternoon.

This, our 10th year of marriage was the most challenging so far though looking at where we are now I am thankful to GOD that she is there as my partner in this life. I still smile (if only on the inside) every time I see her. Her radiant beauty and warm personality are a constant source of happiness and peace for me. Naturally I am a chaotic and passionate person but it doesn't matter how angry, or sad, or depressed I get she is always there to remind me that my life with her is worth any challenge.

I am honored to call her my wife. Proud to know that above all others SHE choose me. Words cannot describe how wonderful she is and how lucky I am to have her.

I love you Melissa, thank you for making me the happiest man in the world. I truly don't deserve you.

Some Background on Scott - Part 3

2011-08-07T17:00:00.001-05:00

We continue the ongoing series. In case you missed them:

Some Background on Scott - Part 1
Some Background on Scott - Part 2

These are from a list of questions from a personality profile system my father sent me as a suggestion for blog topics. Enjoy.

What are you naturally good at? (Skills, abilities, gifts etc.)

I'd like to think I am pretty good at observation and prediction. Though recently I have become aware that when I am emotionally involved, my ability to observe and predict is severely compromised. This ability to see what's really going on is what I think makes me good at my job. All the subtle hints allow me to draw conclusions rather quickly that are usually right on the money.

What do people typically ask you for help in?

All IT professionals end up doing tech support for their friends/family. For those close to me I am usually asked for advice. The same skills I mentioned in the last questions, my insight into situations seems to be very good unless my own emotions are involved in which case I tend to be very very wrong. Means I'm usually great at giving advice to others, but often fail to be able to follow it for myself. :(

If you had to teach something, what would you teach?

I'd love to find a way to teach problem solving. However it's a skill I find that you can hone, but if you don't have it you don't have it.

What would you regret not fully doing, being or having in your life?

I think being a father has been the most interesting and fantastic challenge of my life. I think if we had chosen not to have children it would have been the biggest mistake of my life.

You are now 90 years old, sitting on a rocking chair outside your porch; you can feel the spring breeze gently brushing against your face. You are blissful and happy, and are pleased with the wonderful life you’ve been blessed with. Looking back at your life and all that you’ve achieved and acquired, all the relationships you’ve developed; what matters to you most? List them out.

This is clearly my family. I look forward to seeing the men my boys will become. I would look forward to having my wife by my side the entire time and being able to share all of those memories of our life together. Everything else, career, trips, experiences...none of that really matters to me. What is important is knowing that I was a good father and husband for my family.

We've only got a few more questions so I think I'll save that for the grand finale.

Equality vs. Liberty

2011-08-02T16:10:00.000-05:00

Alright, so it's time for a political rant. The recent debt limit debate has drained me will for patience with this government. The only thing I can see as positive about the whole experience is that both sides of the isle tend to agree that this deal sucks. However, I am not going to talk about the debt deal. I am going to talk about a more fundamental difference between the left and right. This is the discussion between equality and liberty. Listening to the president and other democrats speak today I kept hearing the same idea 'fair'. Let's take a look a little deeper into 'fair'. /ranton

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness. — That to secure these rights, Governments are instituted among Men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed, — That whenever any Form of Government becomes destructive of these ends, it is the Right of the People to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new Government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their Safety and Happiness.

So this is how the Declaration of Independence begins. Both liberal and conservatives reference these document frequently but there are some key points that need to be observed here. Notice the first statement "...all men are created equal...". I think most agree that all people, regardless of sex, race, religion, are all CREATED equal. What the important thing to see here is that it does not say that they live their lives equally, that they die equally. This follows immediately with the statement of their unalienable rights. These are the Life (you have the right to live), to Liberty (freedom from arbitrary or despotic government or control), and the PURSUIT of happiness (the freedom to be happy). Notice it doesn't guarantee happiness, but rather that YOU have the right to PURSUE it. This is the concept that I think is lost on the liberal point of view. The government's responsibility is to protect your freedom to live, to be free of government control, and to allow you to pursue happiness (success).

There is no guarantee that the government will 'level the playing field' or force the wealthy to 'pay their "fair" share'. In fact, the modern US government does the opposite of these founding principles. When you are financially successful in this country the government punishes you for it. Requiring you to pay not just more than Joe Worthless but to pay a greater PERCENTAGE. What would be truly fair would be for everyone to pay the same percentage. This is the concept of the flat tax and it is a tax reform system I support. Another fair way are consumption based systems, wealthier people spend more so when I they buy things they pay more taxes. This is the system I support the most because it encourages financial success.

As a spiritual man I do believe in safety net programs. However I very strongly feel that these programs should be designed for a segment of our society called the 'deserving poor'. There are people in this society for whatever reason that are unable to achieve success. They are the disabled and in the cases I am talking about no matter how hard they try they will never be able to achieve success. These people we should take care of. People who are able to work, and able to be successful with no other limitation then their own laziness, these people need enough help to bounce back up and try again and nothing more. Most successful businessmen don't achieve success in their first business venture. They take a risk, they lose, and then get up and try again. THAT is the American way. Once we adjust our thoughts and minds to helping those who need help and stop helping those who don't we will understand what the purpose of these systems should be. A drunkard who can't keep a job doesn't need a welfare check. A hard working single parent who has run into some bad luck and needs a little help to get back up on their feet does. If you CHOOSE to fail in this life, we should let you. I have no sympathy for the able bodied who refuse to better themselves. There are so many opportunities to be successful in this country, there is no excuse.

YOU are responsible for proving for yourself. If you didn't plan ahead to save what you need to retire then you planned to work your entire life. Retirement is not a RIGHT it is a choice you make when you've made sufficient resources in your life to where you are no longer required to work to support yourself. I'm tired of listening to the concept that government should take care of elderly who failed in life to prepare for their futures. I live my life expecting to rely only on the resources I have saved in my life time. I expect to hold private medical insurance when I am able to retire. I do not expect or even WANT the government to take care of me. I am a man and I am responsible for taking care of my family. When I retire it's because I will have earned the right to do so, not because I have reached the age the government has dictated I am able to start draining the financial resources of this great nation. Medicare/Medicaid, social security...these systems were initially intended to take care of those who CAN NOT take care of themselves. It was never intended to take care of those who WILL NOT!

I sickens me when I hear the left talk about 'fair'. It is not the role of our government to serve as a grand equalizer, to 'spread the wealth around', or to take from successful. Our government's limited responsibility is only to protect those unalienable rights, to protect our boarders, and to STAY THE HELL OUT OF OUR LIVES. Let me pursue my idea of happiness/success and stop punishing me for it. Those social leeches who participate in life only by draining others need to be allowed to fail. /rantoff

Some Background on Scott - Part 2

2011-07-30T13:17:00.002-05:00

If you missed last week's exciting episode of Some Background on Scott you can read it there. This week we move on to the next group of questions. Let's see how far we get.

What are you favorite things to do in the past? What about now?
I've been playing video games for nearly as long as I can remember. From computer games on my commodore 64, to my original Atari 2600, to modern day xbox and PC gaming this has always been a favorite past time of mine and it continues to be to this day.

What activities make you lose track of time?
Strangely enough work. If I am working on a new project, program, website, etc. If I am interested in it I will completely lose track of time and be hyper focused.

What makes you feel great about yourself?
Accomplishment. When I spend time working hard on a project the moment I sit back, look over my work proudly relishing my accomplishment. This could be as simple as really deep cleaning the kitchen to building a complicated computer cluster for a client.

Who inspires you most? (Anyone you know or do not know. Family, friends, authors, artists, leaders, etc.) Which qualities inspire you, in each person?

My father - A man who gave up his professional dream to take care of his family and worked his way up through the ranks and now enjoys great personal and professional success. He is the model and standard by which I measure myself as a man and a father.
My mother - A woman of incomparable dedication and focus. One of the few people on this planet not afraid to stand toe to toe with me and share her opinion.
My wife - The only woman who I have met who can smile no matter what the situation is. She truly inspires me to be a better a person.
Ronald Reagan - Perhaps one of the most intelligent and wise leaders in history, period.

Well that gets us through the first 5. We have 10 more to go. I hope you enjoyed it. I'm going to try to blog more regularly however I won't promise anything. I'm a busy guy. :)

Organized Chaos

2011-07-19T02:08:00.003-05:00

I find myself awake at 02:00 in the morning unable to sleep. My mind is full of chaotic and random thoughts but more observation reveals a pattern. All of these floating thoughts and ideas revolve around a central idea. I need to stop letting people dictate to me.

I have become soft, too dependent on the people in my life. I didn't used to be this way. In fact everything started going down hill when I started opening up and letting my guard down. I suppose it makes sense that if one let's their guard down they become weak.

Today I let my guard down. Completely just laid myself out there bare. I did this because I foolishly thought that it would help. It didn't. I suppose on the upside I learned some lessons today. Or at the very least was reminded of concepts I clearly forgot:

Sometimes I simply have to acknowledge things as they are.
I am better, stronger when I am alone.
My mind and my heart are too complex for anyone to really understand, of the few that really tried, only those fully committed found success.
Those who abandoned me can't be trusted.
I am the dumbass if I trust them again.
The vast majority of people in my life have let me down.
I am a man who views the world with a complex vision consisting of rules and prediction. Emotions cloud this vision.
My heart is my enemy, and can be used as a weapon against me.
It never really was, it was all a lie.
I regret things I have said, things I have done, and nothing can change that.
If I knew then I what I know now, I would do only one thing differently.

This post was a waste of time, I apologize if you read it this far...

Chains

2011-06-24T16:26:00.001-05:00

If you've known me for several years you know that I have a very strange affinity for metal chains. Few people in my life really understand them so I thought I would take an opportunity to explain them...

It's not well known that I am huge into symbolism. Many things in my life exist for a very symbolic and specific purpose. Few people notice them and even fewer ask about them. Most people are familiar with common symbols. I wear a wedding ring on my left hand to symbolize the commitment I made to my wife. I wear an Ithacus ring on my right hand that symbolizes my commitment to GOD. At various times in my life some may have noticed I will wear chains. There is a reason for this as well.

These simple chains mean something to me. They are always on my right, being that I am right handed I symbolize the right side of my body as the one that use to I interact with the world. By putting chains on my right hand and right foot it servers as a reminder that I must be restrained with the world. My last blog post was an expression of my frustration with the weakness of human beings. I am finding more and more on the other side of my great social experiment there were many things in my old life that were there for a reason. For this reason I started wearing my chains again, to help me remember that my thoughts, words, emotions, etc are dangerous, and must be restrained...

People Suck

2011-06-22T10:36:00.010-05:00

Today I am frustrated with life more than I usually am. For me it seems that people in my life are working together to suck all at once. This post is a bitchy one...don't bother reading it...

People are weak and frustrating. Today I am juggling higher than usual stress from my wife, my best friend (sorta, at least for the time being), my job, and life in general. On top of this, my mood for the past few weeks as been reverting to a previous inward view resulting in a return to blunt and brutal honesty as my common methodology for communication. However what I have found is that most people aren't prepared to handle it.

Here is my basic question. Why is it that I can't passionately, clearly, and directly share my opinion without it being misconstrued beyond the actual words I said in the context? When did people become so fragile that they can't handle passionate discussion? I'm not talking about your communications with the common folk in your life, clearly to be able to open up and express your passionate opinion on a subject this requires a certain amount of love between the people. This love should create a skin capable of weathering the storm. Perhaps I'm built different, but I can yell, scream, and be filled with rage during a debate with someone I love, and enjoy a hug and cup of coffee moments later. The people I love should know that I love them and regardless of how angry I appear during a discussion/debate and that fact isn't changing. So deal with the content of the discussion rather than allow my expression of frustration dictate your response.

I know many of you reading this would argue the opposite. That I could be more considerate of the weak people around me and control my rage. Which I don't necessarily disagree with except for the people closest in my life. Those people are there by choice, being close to me is not easily done. For these people I should be able to be myself, which at times will be a goofy fun guy to be around, and at others a rage filled anger machine who will passionately debate his opinion to the end of time.

So here is the end of my complaint, and my message to those in my life that I love. I love you, the course of a debate or discussion will not change that fact. Listen to what I'm saying and address that. If you're too emotionally weak to discuss/debate with me...give up because you're going to lose if you aren't level headed and thinking clearly. Even at my greatest state of rage, I can still think, and I'm pretty damn good at debate so come prepared, or be prepared to concede...

Intellectual Claustrophobia

2011-06-10T15:22:00.001-05:00

This topic is not donated. Today I have reached the end of a road that I was hoping I wasn't going down. I have come to understand another consequence of the recent changes in my life. I know how to fix it and guess what? it's diarrhea of the mouth. So please stop reading now, the rest of this isn't likely to make much sense.

I am a relatively intelligent person. However I have discovered that after fixing the majority of problems in my life that I am happy, but lack satisfaction. I have become addicted over the years to having difficult problems to solve and then solving them. I now look at a marriage that is working right, other personal relationships with friends and family on the track to working right and find myself trapped alone in my own thoughts. Without having problems to solve my big brain is lost and starts working on problems that I've already determined don't have a resolution.

I work in IT, and specifically as a consultant. Much of the work we do is emergency technical support when it all goes horribly wrong. These complicated puzzles are commonly asked to be solved without the right tools required to fix it correctly and they require skill and knowledge to resolve that is rather uncommon. These tests of knowledge and skill are just the right sort of work for me. Thinking outside the box to come up with a solution to a previously 'unsolvable' problem. However recently my company has had little of this sort of work available and most of the work I'm left with has the opposite effect of satiating my creative need to solve difficult problems. Rather they require patience and little skill to successfully complete.. So work is not providing my mind currently anything to do.

As I mentioned before, my personal life over the past few months was a bit chaotic but now that the dust has settled I'm left with a huge pile of resolved problems and only a few loose ends that have been categorized as not worth it to solve. It doesn't meant that I don't still try from time to time, but these loose ends are usually exercises in futility. So my personal life provides no interesting problems to solve.

So both my personal and professional life are free of problems that actually can be solved and I'm left with a conundrum. Do I try to solve the problems that I know can't really be fixed and frustrate people, or do sit and try to enjoy my success? I choose to try to enjoy my success but discovered that with nothing external for my brain to work on it starts working on the inside. A complex mind capable of solving very complex technical and human related problems now left with nothing to feed on starts feeding on it self. I mentioned a few weeks ago that I found the source of my crazy and this is it. I am stuck in my own mind and thoughts with no real outlet. I have no problems to solve, and I have no one (besides my wife and my snickerdoodle) who I can actually talk to to try to get these complex disorganized thoughts out of my head. On top of that my wife and snickerdoodle are so busy and tired of listening to my crazy that I have worn out their welcome. Oh how I miss the days when my best friends could be there when I needed them to vent, discuss, and talk to.

What I think this all boils down to is that this campaign to fix everything was too successful and now I'm left with an over active mind desperately trying to find something to occupy itself with which is driving me crazy. I'm not asking for a new problem to work on, I just need to find a positive place to focus this energy before it destroys me. I've looked into hobbies and projects but nothing seems to fit. Perhaps I just need to do what most people do which is emotionally lobotomize myself and stop caring/trying.

P.S. Before you start Sue I know what you're going to say. Consider your previous advice on this subject present and accounted for. :)

Some Background on Scott - Part 1

2011-06-08T10:36:00.002-05:00

Recently I sent out a request to my circle of friends and family requesting topics for my blog. This series was submitted by my father, Thom Howell. What he sent me was 15 questions that are a part of a program designed to help determine one's purpose in life. So I'm going to answer a few of these questions and see what happens.

Question 1. What makes you smile? (Activities, people, events, hobbies, projects, etc.)

I am a pretty simple man. I work very hard and when I have down time I tend to just want to relax. So I guess I'll just break this down:

Activities: I enjoy casual and low key socializing. Some of the happiest moments in my life I can think back to sitting around a fire at night relaxing and talking. I also play video games with a preference for RPG games. I also do a fair amount of nerd TV watching lately, catching up on shows that were recommended to me that I never had the time to watch. I tend to feel uncomfortable in large or loud crowds of people so what is key for me to enjoy myself is low key, calm, and relaxing.

People: Here is a list of people that no matter what, each time I see them I smile (even if only on the inside). There are the closest most important people in my life, exclusion from this list should not be read into anything besides the fact that sometimes you might annoy me to a level where I might not smile if I saw you. :)

My wife
My children
My family (Father, Mother, Brother, Sister)
My Best Friend
My Snickerdoodle

Almost any time that I spend with those people will nearly always make me smile. Even though I don't express it, I really do enjoy spending time with those closest people whom I love. Even a quick message or text from these people usually will make me smile.

Events: I am not really an event sort of person, though I did go to the Star Wars in Concert awhile back and had a great time.

Hobbies: I would say that my two main hobbies are cooking and gaming. I really enjoy planning out and cooking a meal to share with those close to me. I hope to one day have the time/money to go to culinary school with a purpose of expanding my culinary knowledge for personal use.

Projects: It's strange I think but being that I work cerebellarly most of the time I really enjoy simple projects where I get to work with my hands. Build a new computer, or some simple home improvement project. It's a different sort of thinking and effort and I really enjoy getting out of my head and being able to focus on something more tangible.

Well that ended up being a longer answer than I thought. Guess this post will just be the one question. As always your questions and comments are not only welcome, but encouraged. Always looking for subject suggestions.

College Education

2011-05-30T11:11:00.002-05:00

My aunt Sue requested that I post about my opinions on the value of a college education. Here is the exact text of the request:

Your thoughts on the value of a college education for people aged 18-40. Interpret the term "value" from various perspectives; salary, marketability, contribution to society, role modeling for younger generations, etc. You asked!

So here we go. My thoughts on the value(s) of a college education.

We should start with my experience as it relates college. I was a bored teenager in high-school. Secondary education in the United States is about as challenging as defeating a liberal in a debate centered in logic and reason (for those of who don't get the joke I mean it's very very very simple). When my friends and family congratulated me on this 'accomplishment' I look at the gorilla standing to my left, and the mouth breather standing to my right as I waited to get my diploma and couldn't help but notice that anyone seemed capable of this meager 'accomplishment'. After graduating high-school a got a better paying job, and soon moved out to start my life as an adult. While living out on my own I got the crazy idea that I should go back to school so my roommate and I enrolled in the local community college taking two tele-courses. Between books, and tuition I spent nearly a $1000 which ended up wasted as I withdrew from both of these courses as I could not motivate myself to even bother to watch the lectures/lessons on the TV at the prescribed time.

So let's address the specific areas of my aunt's request. "What is the value of college from the perspective of salary?" It is evident that most college educated people tend to make larger salaries in life compared to those who do not. However I ask the question as to whether is this a result of the education, or simply that these people are motivated in life? My personal opinion is that a college education should be more as part of your plan rather than THE plan. If you wanted to be a rocket scientist then your plan will require a college education to break into that field. It's a prerequisite for the field. Other career options may not. So in the framework of salary, it is my opinion that a college education alone isn't a required factor, but rather a factor only if your choice in career requires it.

"What is the value of a college education as it relates to your marketability?" This really depends on your audience. In my field (which is information technology) a degree is usually ignored as it's generally irrelevant. Experience and skill determine your success in information technology. Having a degree doesn't necessarily hurt and in some cases may open a few doors, however at least in this field it's not likely to get you the job, or keep it. In other fields I can certainly see how having a degree can make you more marketable professionally. Again, all this ties into what you intend to do with your life and you should assess the value of having that degree to determine if it is a wise investment of your time and resources.

"What is the value of a college education as it relates to your general contribution to society?" Completely irrelevant. I can think of no person in history who was able to make a greater contribution to society simply because of their college education. The person is what's important here, not the education. An education is simply a tool to be used to accomplish your goals.

"What is the value of a college education as it relates to being a role model?" I once again have to say that I have never looked at anyone in life and respected them more simply because of their education. What brings my respect are what accomplishments they make in their life. A higher education doesn't make one worthy of respect, what they choose to do with their life does.

So what it boils down to is my opinion of college is that can be a very valuable investment of your time and resources so long as it's part of a plan to use that education. When I hear of young adults graduating high-school and going to college to 'figure out what they want to to do in life', I cringe. It is also my belief that educators also greatly over inflate the value of that education. I see more elitism among educators than among any other group of people in life. Now, this isn't to say I don't respect that idea, I am a perfect example of an elitist after all. However it does bother me when lesser minds attempt to look down on others simply because they had the financial resources to receive an education. I have bested a friend in a debate to the validity of 'theory' of evolution who had a master's degree in microbiology. An education isn't what warrants respect, but rather the mind of the person. Look down on those who are dumber than you, not those who received less of an education. :)

Another problem I have is the entire 'college experience' argument. When you read about these frat parties and young adults acting like total baboons because they lack the maturity to become functional adults and they do so while spending thousands of dollars a year in tuition because they aren't ready to start their lives; I become filled with boiling rage and contempt for the enablers who encourage this behavior. This however stems into a deeper issue of parenting and preparing your children for adulthood so I'll stop there.

I hope I've answered your questions Sue, looking forward to your comments...

Pornography, Cheating, and Relationships

2011-05-25T13:54:00.002-05:00

This subject was requested from a source that requested to remain anonymous. The basic question was my opinion on pornography and how it should be considered in the light of committed relationships. I'm not certain how deep or articulate I will be as my opinion is rather simple and many themes echoed from previous posts. However we will give it a go.

This is a another topic where the people in the relationship need to work out what works best for them. My comments will be in general and reflective of my personal opinions. In general, I would say that anything you do in a relationship that hurts the other should be evaluated. The purpose of a good relationship is to work to make the other happy. There are no 'rules' as much as there are common agreements. If the act of your partner looking at pornography upsets you then you should communicate that. For most people however I think that pornography should be a non-issue. In a healthy relationship the jealousy and other feelings that would make you uncomfortable with the idea of your significant other looking at porn shouldn't bother you. If you have some other reason based in something like the general morality of it then I suppose there is potentially a valid argument but one that doesn't carry much weight with me at least.

There is an argument that viewing pornographic material is tantamount to cheating. In my opinion this argument has absolutely no weight. It is normal and healthy for human beings to be interested in sex and fantasize about exotic scenarios like one would find in pornography. Intellectually exploring these ideas does not change your heart or emotions. I don't care what the situation is, I find it rather unlikely that anyone viewing pornographic material is doing so as a supplement for emotional connection which in my mind is what constitutes cheating. That is a much deeper topic so I'll leave it at that.

Bottom line, watching porn doesn't constitute cheating, and in a healthy relationship should be perfectly acceptable. If it is causing a problem like anything in a relationship, it should be dealt with appropriately.

The Bible: Metaphor or Litteral

2011-05-17T21:59:00.003-05:00

My sister and I recently had the opportunity to sit and talk and one of the conversations that came up started to dive into the concept of literal vs metaphoric interpretation of the Bible. Apparently our conversation didn't satiate her curiosity into my unusual perspective on this so she has requested I post about it.

We shall establish some baselines. First, I believe that the Bible is a collection of works written by men and inspired by GOD. I do not necessarily believe as some that it is the only and complete set of instructions/guidance GOD intends for us. The debate of which books belong in the Bible is the topic of another post. So let's take a look at my opinion on the way we should look at the Bible.

So the basic answer to the question is at hand. Should be the Bible be interrupted metaphorically or literally? I have to say that I don't think it matters. What is important is that GOD gives you the wisdom or guidance he intends for you. Debating if things happened or didn't happen is a waste of time/energy. Now to some, and my lovely sister included in this there is a significant argument for the idea that for Christians, our faith in the literal events of the Bible is the foundation of the faith. I can respect this position but can't say that I agree. If you ask me whether or not Christ was born of a virgin, lived a pure life, was crucified on the cross in an act of pure love, so that his sacrifice could pay the debt of our sins and provide for us a path to GOD. I will say that without hesitation that I believe that these things happened. Where I disagree is that GOD's love is the foundation of my faith, not simply whether or not those events happened as described in the Bible.

So here is my old testament example that demonstrates my point. I believe that GOD presented himself to Moses on Mount Horeb to give him wisdom and guidance. Here is the problem I've had my entire life with this story. Why would GOD, the omnipotent creator of all things feel the need to dictate laws to us? This does not make sense to me. What makes more sense to me is that GOD was trying to describe for Moses the nature of perfect love. Rather than GOD saying "Thou Shall Not Kill" it makes much more sense that a holy man, who understand's GOD's love will not kill, would not bare false witness, would honor their mother and father, etc. It is my personal belief that Moses being a flawed man took these descriptions of GOD's love and turned it around into the ten commandments rather than the intended description of GOD like love. Either way, the concept, the wisdom GOD wanted me to understand from this story is what's important. I'm never going to argue with anyone, or say "YOU'RE WRONG! THE BIBLE IS JUST A GIANT METAPHOR!". What I am going to say is you should open the Bible, read the words and let GOD's wisdom and love direct you, because that is why he gave us this gift.

So the answer to the question is that for ME, the Bible in many cases could be metaphorical and be literal. Debating this for me is pointless because rather than debating these points, it's more important to get the message and let GOD's love and wisdom guide us. I will spend my time and efforts trying to get the message.

Flirting and Marriage

2011-05-11T20:16:00.000-05:00

I have received a few subject requests but still looking for more. So if you want to know what I really think on a certain subject, or just know how to push my buttons and want to laugh at the upcoming rant please send them in.

My next request is from a very old friend. Not old in that she is old, but rather that she and I had been friends for a very long time. Amber and I went to high school together and have stayed in touch from time to time over the years. She is a fascinating and fun girl who wanted to know my opinion on the appropriate amount of extra-martial flirting that should be allowed in a typical marriage. I think this could be a very interesting topic. :)

So let's say you get married, settled into your life and everything was good. Now you're out with friends and you notice someone that sparks your interest. What do you do? Well there is no one size all answer for this question. So let's break it down.

In my opinion, a marriage is intended to be the finest example of GOD's love we have in this life. A true marriage is founded on that pure trust and love where two people share every single bit of themselves to build a relationship that resembles GOD more closely than anything else. Few marriages are lucky enough to get there but that's at least the intended design. When you find this love things like jealousy are no longer relevant.

So here is how flirting works in my imperfect, yet constantly growing marriage. It's no big deal. Anyone who knows my wife knows she is a gigantic flirt. She has a glorious smile and a personality that makes it easy to want to be her friend. She works in the service industry and does a fantastic job of making her customers feel welcomed. I knew this before I married her, it was these charms that initially attracted me to her. So when she's working, or when she goes out with her friends I know she's out there smiling, laughing, and flirting with nearly everyone she meets. However, what I also know is that she is coming home to me. I trust my wife completely. I have no reason not to. Does that ugly green jealousy monster show it's face from time to time? Sure, but overall her flirting is a non-issue because I trust where her heart is. The same works for me, though my charm is nothing compared to my wife I've been known to get a few smiles and this doesn't seem to bother her. The point is for my marriage, fun, harmless extra-marital flirting is healthy and doesn't cause us any problems.

Where extra-marital flirting becomes an issue is when that level of trust isn't there. When observing your significant other flirting with another person makes you question their loyalty, love, commitment, or attraction to you. True love in a marriage results in naturally wanting nothing more than to make your spouse happy. Whether it be not flirting, cleaning the house, or mowing the lawn you WANT, no NEED to do whatever is is that makes the other happy, and will avoid things you know that hurt them. If you are in a marriage where extra-martial flirting is hurting your spouse, then you have bigger problems anyway and you should focus on those.

In a healthy relationship extra-martial flirting should not be a big deal so long as it's harmless and done for no other reason than social enjoyment. I tell a story of a cute waitress that was serving our group of friends drinks at a pool hall years ago, early in my marriage. This girl happened to share my birthday and she noticed this fact while checking my ID. We started talking and flirting and it was fun. My wife was sitting right next to me watching this all go down. I won't say my wife was totally cool and happy with the situation but I also couldn't say she was mad or upset. The point was that it was completely harmless fun and I went home with my wife that night, as I do every night.

So the bottom line. It is healthy and natural for a little harmless extra-marital flirting. The moment it crosses the line and causes your spouse pain you should step back and reconsider what is important. If jealousy from harmless flirting is causing a problem in your marriage you should look deeper to discover the real trust issues and work on those because a little flirting isn't what's wrong with your marriage...

Life and Death

2011-05-10T10:23:00.003-05:00

The honor of my first requested subject is given to my Snickerdoodle. Rori is one of my closest friends even considering the fact she lives on the other side of the planet. She is truly an amazing woman that I am very proud to call my friend.

So she asked what my thoughts were on life and death. What happens when we die? Well this is certainly an interesting subject that is likely to stir some interesting questions. So here we go.

This is likely the oldest question for all of humanity. What happens we when die? Every human being at one point in their life will ponder this question. There are nearly as many theories as their are people in this world. Rather than starting with what I think what happens when we die, I think I'm going to start with my thoughts on the purpose of life. Because death is a part of life, and you can't understand one without the other.

For those who don't know at the age of 15 I embarked on a spiritual journey to better understand GOD. The approach I took was a scientific one with a simple guiding principle of objectively reviewing all the available information and opinions and draw a reasonable conclusion. I studied the major religions of the world and objectively reviewed them. The details of that journey could fill volumes so I'll skip to the part where I read a very interesting series of books called Conversations With God : An Uncommon Dialogue (Book 1). Let me preface this book by saying the author is a complete nut. The general premise was that he was the type who was in the habit of writing a letter to someone when he was angry or frustrated with them to vent his feelings, and then throw away the letter. At a difficult time in his life he started such a letter to GOD and as he explains GOD then started to respond through his pen. Though much of this book and the others in the series are completely silly he did inspire me to consider GOD in different ways that sparked sudden revelations of insight and inspiring new thoughts to explore. I spent probably 3 years of my 5 year journey just pondering the new ideas inspired while reading this book. One of the most important was what the purpose of life was described as.

In Conversations With God : An Uncommon Dialogue (Book 1) the purpose of GOD and life was to define GOD as a creator. Just as a painter isn't a painter until he paints, or a musician isn't a musician until he makes music, so too was GOD not GOD until he created. It was for this purpose that GOD created us. We are his creations because he is GOD, and to be a GOD one must create. It goes on to describe what our purpose in life is. That purpose is to understand ourselves as GOD's creation. The description is that we are divisions of the unlimited GOD, as if we are a small flickering candle flame compared to the bright sun. How can we understand what it means to be a flickering candle in the presence of such a mighty and powerful light such as the sun? We can't, and that is why we are on this Earth, why we live these lives separated somewhat from GOD. It is only when we get far enough from GOD can we see ourselves, and look back and see GOD's glory and light separate from our own. The purpose of life is understand ourselves, and to understand the true nature of GOD.

We have now established what I believe is the purpose of life. Now let's try to frame death. Can we gain understanding of something as big as GOD in one lifetime? I don't know. I believe life is an experience designed to give us understanding and when our bodies die our little candle light continues on until we gain that spark of understanding and are able to rejoin GOD in perfect harmony. Am I saying I believe in re-incarnation? Maybe. I honestly don't know or think that it matters. What I think is more important on focusing on THIS life, and continuing on the quest to understand and glorify GOD. So my official answer to the question of "What happens when we die?" is "I don't really know, but I don't care, because I am focused on THIS life and wasting time trying to understand death prevents you from living life."

I know many will say that isn't really an answer to the question but that is what I think. Other questions like 'Is there a heaven and a hell?' or 'How does that belief tie into your spiritual/religious beliefs?' are very good questions and if you want answers to those request another post on that subject...

Blog Update

2011-05-08T16:36:00.001-05:00

So this blog was previously a place where I vented many of frustrations with life. It was a great emotional outlet and it really helped me work through some thoughts. Though I have found a curious observation that as my reader count grows I find myself more and more concerned about my content and the effects it will have on the people around me. If there is one thing I have learned in 2011 is that people rarely say what they mean, and most are incapable of true honest communication. So after some prayer and meditation I have decided to bring this blog back around to being far less personal and more about the random ranting everyone came here for in the first place.

So I'm taking this blog in a new direction. I am going to ask my readers to submit topics, questions, rants, etc that they want me to elaborate on. What is important here is that no single subject is off limits. Politics, religion, personal opinions, etc. So all of my friends, family, readers, etc, If you ever wanted to REALLY know what I have to say about any topic on the planet submit your questions or topic suggestions to me. Here are the rules:

Don't be surprised by what I might say, most of you really don't know what I think.
You can submit your question/suggestion to me though any method you have access to. Unless you request anonymity I will identify you. If you do request to be anonymous I will guard this secret with my life.
I will endeavor to answer all questions/submissions however I do reserve the right to refuse. If I do refuse to speak on a topic you have suggested feel free to contact me privately to discuss it.
Anything that I did not specify above but wish to place as a limit later on down the line. :)

So I hope everyone has some good suggestions because I think this could be a lot of fun! I am looking forward to what people want to hear from me. :)

Final Results

2011-04-21T18:30:00.001-05:00

This is intended to be my final post in regards to my 6 month experiment into being a more open and honest person. At a high level I would call this entire experience very interesting but would rate it a failure. There are several areas of my life that have improved but some of the very important ones have gotten much worse.

My relationship with my wife as a result of this process is stronger than it ever has been. We still have some ways to go but I am extremely encouraged by what has happened. I also have some other friendships that were strengthened by this process and that is also encouraging. For the people in my life that have accepted me and love me expect nothing to change, I will continue down this path of complete honest communication and I am excited about where this will take us.

In other areas of my life I found that didn't work out so well. In business part of key to success is being able to work without letting it get you down. By allowing myself to process, express, and experience more emotions my interactions with my work life has suffered. I can't afford to be so soft, especially in the industry I work in. For those whom I work with expect a return to simpler times.

Now for the biggest failure in this experiment, my best friend. This process complicated and destroyed a great friendship. This result completely surprised me because of all the people in my life next to my wife I expected my best friend to be the one to support and grow the most with through this process. What resulted was a shell of the friendship I thought we once had. I'm not sure what the future holds for this relationship. I want things to work out but I am tired and can't do it alone.

To everyone else, much like work people expect a return to simpler times with a slight modification. Prior to this experiment my strategy was a cold large wall that kept everyone and everything out. Those who proved themselves would be welcomed inside but the process was grueling and often resulted in people giving up. I intend to use a similar strategy but a shorter wall. People who want to be involved in my life will still need to prove themselves to me but I will be more accepting of people and take greater risks. This hybrid solution will hopefully restore my strength but allow for me to grow as a person and share more of my life.

For those of you absolutely tired of these posts rejoice, this is intended to be the last one. I'm not sure what I am going to write about next but I'm sure it will be just as useless as this story was...

My first day with Windows Phone 7

2011-03-22T23:43:00.001-05:00

I have had quite a bit of experience with mobile technology in my professional career. In the 90's my first 'real' job was for a cell phone company and I have worked for several others over the years always keeping up on the trends and the technology. Being that I am a much bigger fan of CDMA I have been with Sprint for several years and anyone who is customer of Sprint knows that phone hardware tends to be a bit behind the curve as CDMA isn't nearly as popular a platform globally to develop for as are GSM based technologies. So after a long wait Sprint finally launched the HTC Arrive Windows Phone (Sprint). With me also being a huge fan of Zune HD 16 GB Video MP3 Player (Black) I was excited when Windows Phone 7 (WP7) was launched and waited patiently for a WP7 device to drop for Sprint.

To put things in perspective I have been using the Sprint HTC Touch Pro 2 almost since it was launched and any owners of that phone know it really had some issues. It was a good phone for Windows Mobile 6.1 but as the hardware wasn't well designed for Windows Mobile 6.5 and Windows Mobile 6.5 was similar to Windows ME being a bastard step child of an OS the problems weren't horribly surprising. The phone was slow and required regular hard resets to maintain acceptable levels of performance.

So let's talk about the HTC Arrive. I will start off by saying that WP7 is a great mobile platform however I still think it needs a bit more time to mature before it's going to compete with other platforms. One of the biggest disappointments I found with the OS in general is the limited support for Exchange ActiveSync. You can connect and sync your data, but it does not support the full feature set which was rather disappointing not to mention surprising. The OS however is absolutely gorgeous, being an avid Zune enthusiast I found the interface familiar and simple to use. The hardware from HTC is well designed, with the the best keyboard in the game. The performance is spot on with menus and navigation moving nearly as quickly as I was yet still presenting very fluidly. Integration with my Zune software was flawless as expected. So far, my biggest complaints are battery life, and the fact that there is no Microsoft messenger client. The 'official' client was developed by a Microsoft partner and has still a few bugs that need to be worked out.

End of the day, I am very pleased with this phone but there are still some areas for improvement not only in the hardware but also in the OS in general. I work with iPhones and Androids daily in my line of work as an IT consultant and I can say with the greatest confidence, that WP7 is the superior platform and I hope that the product will be successful enough so that it can mature into the one platform to rule them all.

Submission

2011-03-17T08:27:00.001-05:00

I like to consider myself a spiritual man. I spend most of my thoughts in an constant open dialog with GOD in a type of casual prayer. This system works well most of the time but as I've been dealing with the stress of changing and growing I have come to the realization that my thoughts are more compromised than I originally thought and this has affected the comfort I felt with my walk with the LORD.

So after so much failure I decided to go back to a more traditional method I previously used to commune with GOD. I decided that in addition to simply speaking with GOD constantly I would dedicate time and pray as I once did. On my knees, head bowed, and completely focused on receiving his wisdom. I prayed like this to my GOD last night. Feeling weak and confused I prayed that GOD would give me strength. I allowed his love to fill me completely and what GOD decided was that I needed peace and clarity. This feeling was so overwhelming that I could do nothing more than weep.

At the church I recently visited the pastor spoke of how we need to allow GOD to disturb us. We as human beings want to be comfortable, to avoid rocking the boat. However is this not what GOD wants from us. We need to be disturbed by GOD. We need to feel his presence in a way that shakes from our comfort zones. I was very comfortable with the way I was communing with GOD but after last night I now know that I was too comfortable. I need to be be focused more on allowing GOD to affect me, to push me to be the better man he wants me to be. He is the sculptor, I need to be the clay.

Back to the drawing board

2011-03-04T09:54:00.001-06:00

So I've been blogging recently on the new strategy of open honesty with people around me. This post will explore those results. I have to say I am surprised by the results. As expected they were mixed but I was not prepared for the variety of extremes. In some of my relationships it has been nothing but positive. Connecting and reconnecting with people in new ways that has strengthened that relationship. These were desired results but not necessarily expected. My expected result was more along the lines of discovering which people lacked the fortitude to handle an open an honest version of myself. In some of these relationships they have been damaged and I'm still reconciling how to move forward.

Applying the scientific method because I'm a creature chained to reason and logic makes dealing with mixed results more complicated. If we break it down to the core components what I've discovered is that different people behave and act differently when presented with more of my 'true' self. Previously my strategy which was too effective was to only share those parts of myself with people who showed they wanted and were capable of dealing with it. This has the advantage of nearly 100% of the people who get through that process to be capable however I recognize that this process was too effective, and I have most likely missed out on relationships as a result. So what better filtering method could I develop to weed out these people whom are better off ranked as lower level acquaintances?

So as a result of the stresses and results I have decided to rework this strategy to include a better filtering mechanism to avoid wasted energies on people who either do not desire a stronger relationship with me or simply incapable. I'm not sure exactly how I'm going to do that however as a stop gap everyone who currently fits that description is getting the full filter back. There is no use in continuing to develop stronger relationships when there is clearly no future...

What happens when you can't trust yourself?

2011-02-23T19:50:00.000-06:00

It's common knowledge that I'm a little weird but right now I feel completely and totally lost and out of my mind. Maybe this new strategy isn't work out for me. All I seem to do is end up frustrated and saying/doing things I don't really want to. Have I lost my mind?

A reversal of traditional logic

2011-02-20T00:54:00.000-06:00

While spending a quiet evening alone, enjoying the subtle nuances of a few fingers of scotch the solution to an amazingly complex problem suddenly invaded my mind. I've experienced this phenomenon before when sleep deprived or otherwise limited mental ability where hugely complex problems are solved quickly, simply, and elegantly using a completely new logical framework the origin of which I was unable to identify. This time however I was completely surprised. A truly fascinating experience.

One of my all time favorite quotes was recently brought back to the front of my attention: “We can’t solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them.” - Albert Einstein . The reminder of this simple idea began a background process in my mind working on a huge problem I have had in my life. What it boils down to is I have come to realize with this situation that as painful as it may be it is sometimes necessary to simply accept variables the way they are because altering them can have a greater mean effect then the desired result. With this in mind I have built a completely new logical framework in relation to this situation. Like most new ideas that solve multiple problems this comes at the cost of sacrificing what was previously believed to be a law (variable that regardless of situation always has the same value).

One of the most difficult things for a logical person to do is to accept changes to law. Changes to variables and conditions are constant and expected but laws for the logical rule based mind are nearly impossible to change. In relation to the specific problem I'm describing I think I have learned the lesson that I need to be more careful with faith, and the establishment of law.

I know I'm being vague and I apologize for that, however you all should trust me. This situation is very sensitive to the Heisenberg uncertainty principle and as such discussing the details publicly will change the results. What I can say is that happier times are in front of us all if this new logic is the correct logic and I am very excited about the possibilities this future can bring...

Interpreting Divine Inspiration

2011-02-16T20:51:00.002-06:00

Those who know me well enough know me to be a spiritual man. I wouldn't call myself religions as religion from my perspective is a perversion of GOD's intentions. I do however believe very strongly in the personal relationship one has with GOD and the best way I've found to describe that is being spiritual. One of the key components of a relationship with GOD is opening your heart and your mind to listen. By design this is also the most difficult thing to do and in this post I intend to ramble on about it until I get bored or am able to work out some of the greater complexities to soothe my mind...

GOD gave us free will and provides for us the means by which we can all learn about the nature of GOD and grow as his children. As a parents guides their children so too does GOD guide us all if we are smart/open enough to hear him. For the past 6 months I felt a strong feeling deep in my soul to improve certain aspects of myself and to grow as a person. The biggest of these was in developing and encouraging better relationships with other people. Anyone who has met me knows I am not the biggest fan of humanity and find understanding people to be one of the greatest challenges in my life. This constant cycle of not knowing what to say or what someone means served as a handicap in my earlier life causing me to feel mostly like an outcast. Such a feeling is common. Most people in one way or another see themselves as an outcast at least at some points in their life so don't presume I intend to complain about it. What I will complain about is the seemingly mixed signals that my mind/heart are giving me in relation to my attempt to grow in this area of my life.

This week I began my public campaign of trying to be a more approachable, vulnerable, and open person. Two primary factors contributed to my previous strategy. First is the fact that I have a severe speech impediment that requires that I concentrate and focus on my speech very carefully to be understood. Over the years I have mastered how to do this without many people noticing and was proud of this accomplishment. However this skill coupled with the second condition, my outright fear of people expanded into all communications with other people with a result of carefully scripted and planned out interactions. Spontaneous wasn't possible, it was simulated. Every single action, response, conversation was carefully pre-constructed and indexed in my mind ready for effective delivery. Most people were satisfied with this but the people who are most important to me, my family and my friends, these people could tell something wasn't right, and over the years I have watched as these relationships crumbled under the weight of my oppressive personality.

My relationship with my wife was unaffected directly as she has always been the one whom I can be myself with. She is a gloriously sweet and patient woman who makes me the man I am today. However she is also a very social and friendly person and many times my personality made it impossible for her to enjoy parts of life. After encouragement from her and others in my life I started testing the waters of being more open. Saying what was on my mind rather than referencing the correct response from the massive lexicon of conversational tricks I have collected. At first it seemed as though it was working. I saw relationships in my life explode into life never before at such a rate that I questioned why I hadn't done this sooner. With this encouragement I apply this strategy to my entire life, and so far disastrous results.

This week is just halfway over and I feel so drained and frustrated. It is perhaps the worst week ever. Not simply because of the challenges of my new strategy but life in general seemed to be dumping on me. My work, my friends, my home life all spectacularly horrible this week. So now we finally get to the point of this post that relates to it's subject. Is GOD trying to tell me "you got it wrong, look at it again" or is he challenging me to push through these frustrations and grow as I felt he has been leading me to do for some time now? Both seem as though they are logically sound solutions and as a simple man I will never be able to know for sure. Is my heart/mind not open LORD? Can something please just go right for once so that I can be encouraged to stay on the path I felt you have led me to?

Guardians vs Demons

2011-02-01T23:06:00.002-06:00

Everyone experiences self doubt. People use different names to describe these thoughts and people certainly deal with them differently. As someone who is spends vast amounts of time analyzing and reanalyzing everything I historically have a hard time reconciling these thoughts. Many times I consider them demons but recently I've been challenged to consider them as guardians. So here is the question I'm asking myself in this post. Do my bouts of self doubt represent a positive mechanism in my life or holding me back from greatness?

So let's establish some base definitions. Intelligence is the capacity to acquire and comprehend information. Knowledge is the collection and storage of information. Wisdom is the intelligent application of that knowledge. A saying I really like is "a man is not wise because of what he knows, but rather in knowing what he doesn't". So with that perspective can we answer the question?

Certainly people can and will continue to be paralyzed by fear of the unknown and not explore potentially fruitful opportunities as a result. I have often worried that as a very calculated risk taker that being 'too careful' has limited my potential in certain opportunities. There certainly times where I think I could have seen greater success by taking greater risks. Though I can't say looking back at my mistakes and victories in life that this has happened enough to adopt a more risk filled strategy globally. Obviously with more risk you have a greater chance for failure.

So let's look at the conservative approach. If a wise man is measured by the acknowledgment of his own limits then certainly this would give credence to the suggestion that thoughts of self doubt can serve more as guardians, protecting you from your own mistakes. This approach would certainly limit potential opportunities as there is another famous concept of risk == reward.

So looking at both ideas there isn't a clear winner. Is a hybrid solution going to work? I think it will. Obviously the challenge here is finding that correct balance. The only sure fire way to make sure nothing good ever happens to you is to never do or try anything. However given my recent experiences I think my balance is off, too much risk. I think I'll start listening to these voices as my protective guardians rather than demons holding me back. This strategy historically has resulted in the most success and limited my failure as I tend to apply a very pragmatic approach. At least this way I'll have a better chance at avoiding more problems. Bring on the defense...

A new strategy

2011-01-22T11:24:00.001-06:00

I am a big fan of the Myers-Briggs personality type system. In all the personality type systems I have studied none have been able to allow me to better understand some of the aspects of my personality. I am an INTJ and this description is the best I've read.

One of the primary characteristics of the INTJ personality type is a constant need to reevaluate rework and question everything. So after my last post I decided now would be a good time to go through this process globally again. So if you are some how involved in my life be aware that I am stopping all current projects, re-evaluating and reconsidering them and going to attempt to draft new strategies. What does this mean for those involved in my life? Usually nothing as this happens several times a year but I rarely communicate it. As part of an experimental new approach I'm publicly announcing this process to see how knowledge of this process affects the people in my life and see what improvements or detriments come as a result.

Each time this process is done bad systems are removed or improved and good systems are refined. So if you have some feedback, questions, comments etc bring them on.

An explosion of disorganized thoughts...

2011-01-18T23:13:00.003-06:00

It's been awhile since I've posted. The holidays and general business have prevented me from working on this blog. My weekly SWTOR updates have been moved over to http://www.winterwolves.org as they make more sense over there as part of the gaming community.

In this post you should expect no deep thoughts, or revelations but simply diarrhea of the mouth. I'm not going to attempt to make the statement that anyone's life is easier or more difficult than my own. Life is about the challenges and how you overcome them. However tonight I feel overwhelmed with general disdain for life. I can't seem to organize my thoughts, or have enough drive to accomplish any of my goals. I don't know why tonight it seems overly apparent to me but it is.

From an outsider's perspective I'm sure everything looks great. Work is a challenge but in general going well. My finances are starting to look alot better then they have been. Some of the greatest frustrations I would have expressed to you 6 months ago are all but forgotten but I cannot shake this feeling of constant rage and dissatisfaction I feel towards nearly everything. My friends and family must be really tired of and frustrated by me. Is it possible that as things improve my natural pessimistic self is generating unwarranted stress? Am I a creature that NEEDS to be frustrated and challenged? Every chance I seem to be given to relax I never feel like I can and everyone around me seems to look at me like *I* am the one who refused to allow it. Is it possible that *I* am the reason I can't relax?

I want to relax, I really do. I want to be able to shut down this complicated thinking machine and have fun. The fact is apparently I can't. Every time I talk about a vacation I tell myself "we can't afford it" or "I just have too much going on right now"...and even with simple suggestions like taking a few days off work I end up taking on large projects around the house that don't relax me. I feel driven to be constantly doing something but at the same time profoundly desire the ability to simply stop, and relax....what's wrong with me?

Pandora's Box

2010-11-07T22:41:00.004-06:00

Have you ever been in a situation where your world is getting ready to change drastically but the forces responsible don't necessarily recognize that? One of the greatest frustrations in my life is the lack on mental follow through. Why don't people think about the full ramifications of their decisions?

The butterfly effect is very real. Even the slightest change can cause major ramifications and people just don't think these things through. I can't/won't go into the details of the situation that has inspired this blog but will go into the details of the core problem. In a complex system you can't change one variable and not expect systematic change. Everything is interdependent. This is why I never attack symptoms. In my observation when people attack symptoms rather than problems they create more problems and complications. Look at our political system. Our tax code is full of tiny changes meant to change specific behaviors rather than reasons for that behavior. If your child is acting out you can punish them to bandage the symptom but it's usually far more effective to try to understand the REASON for the behavior and if possible resolve that.

What ever happened to critical thinking and applying the scientific method to problem solving? It seems everywhere I look I encounter those who are too lazy or don't care enough to consider all of the consequences of their choices or apply basic logic to their problem solving process. It's become and epidemic and I'm not certain what can be done to fix it. Perhaps the only 'solution' for me is to draw the lines and move back to that metaphoric deserted island where I can blissfully ignore the idiocy of people and be left in the peace of my own twisted thoughts...

SORRY!

2010-10-27T16:28:00.000-05:00

I am sorry guys. I have been so busy past few weeks and I know I haven't updated. I have several good topic in the pipeline. I hope to get a few up this weekend!

In the mean time...enjoy this...

Time flies...

2010-10-03T22:16:00.002-05:00

Today I am reminded of how quickly time flies. Tomorrow my oldest son turns 5 years old. I am so proud of the person he has become. The most interesting thing to watch as a parent is watching a crying baby over the years develop into their own person, with their own thoughts, opinions, and personalities and the most interesting part of the entire process how it seems to happen in the blink of an eye...

All parents have this feeling. They look down at their children no matter how old they are and think about what it was like to hold them as a baby. My son is nearly too old to tolerate it but I still pick him up and hold him and sing to him the special song I used to lull him to sleep all those years ago. In the part of the song where I call him my baby boy he will yell over top of me "Daddy I'm a boy!" or replace "Baby Boy" with "NATHAN!" I am so excited to watch him grow up but today I look back at all of those memories of my little baby boy and I can't help but get choked up.

Is it so wrong to look back and long for the days when the only thing in the world they needed was you? It makes me feel so old. I know those of you old parents (my own included) will laugh at me considering that I can't possibly appreciate the depth of the feelings I am describing until I am able to see through their eyes. When I watch my sons turn into fathers themselves and experience all the things I am going through now.

My mind and heart are both filled with memories of my first born baby boy tonight and it's preventing me from organizing my thoughts on this post so I'll finish with this. I love you son. I wish you the best 5th birthday of your life.

Government Spending and Taxes

2010-09-27T23:22:00.002-05:00

So a buddy of mine posted a great video on Facebook and as a result I commented. I liked my rant comment so much that I decided to copy/paste them into a blog post:

First, the awesome video:

and now, the Facebook rant:

Get ready for this. I am going to quote a democrat:

“In 1986, Congress pruned the Tax Code, pretty severely,” said Senate Finance Committee Chairman Max Baucus, D-Mont., in a statement. “But it’s grown back, bigger and stronger. Once again, it needs to be pruned.”

Baucus noted that the Tax Code is now about 70,000 pages long, and since the 1986 tax reform Congress has made more than 15,000 changes to the Tax Code.“Each change created additional complexity, and each change created the potential for exploitation.” said Baucus. “Once again today, just as in the 1980s, many can largely avoid paying taxes, if they know how to manipulate the Tax Code. A long list of deductions, credits, and exclusions are available to help avoid taxation. Those who don’t have a savvy accountant or who refuse to participate in tax games often end up paying more. Many honest taxpayers end up feeling like chumps.”

http://www.house.gov/jec/fiscal/tx-grwth/reagtxct/reagtxct.htm

Conclusion

The Reagan tax cuts, like similar measures enacted in the 1920s and 1960s, showed that reducing excessive tax rates stimulates growth, reduces tax avoidance, and can increase the amount and share of tax payments generated by the rich. High top tax rates can induce counterproductive behavior and suppress revenues, factors that are usually missed or understated in government static revenue analysis. Furthermore, the key assumption of static revenue analysis that economic growth is not affected by tax changes is disproved by the experience of previous tax reduction programs. There is little reason to expect static revenue analysis to evaluate the economic or distributional effects of current tax reform proposals much better than it evaluated the Reagan tax program 15 years ago.

-----------------

The trickle down effect isn't working today because the tax codes built to support it have been raped and corrupted into an abomination that has destroyed any possibility for success.

You can't expect it to work if our government (Republicans and Democrats alike) keep bending and changing the laws to support special interests. THEY HAVE FAILED US!

When money is tight at home you don't go and buy a fancy new living room set. You tighten your belt, you reduce your spending and count your pennies. Our government has taken the approach of 'spending our way out of debt' (has that ever worked for you?) We can fix our economic situation but people are going to have to realize the sacrifice. Cut spending, stop pandering to the leeches of our society with ridiculous unfunded projects like national healthcare.

You want business to grow? CUT TAXES!!! When you provide incentives to businesses to succeed and profit guess what happens? They produce jobs and they grow, and they generate more revenue. Example with numbers out of thin air: Business A lives in the liberal dream world and has imposed on it 30% tax responsibility. They produce 10 million in gross revenue and pay $3 million in taxes. You take the same company with reduced taxes of 3% have an additional $300,000 in revenue to use to invest in the growth of their business. This growth results in 10 new jobs and increased the gross revenue of Business A to $12 million. With a tax responsibility of 27% they pay $3.24 million in taxes. So just to recap, you reduce taxes, employ 10 new people, and generate MORE in tax revenue all the while strengthening the economy? AMAZING how this stuff works!

Our government has failed us. Republicans, Democrats...it doesn't matter. This country needs serious fiscal change and in my opinion revolutionary cuts in spending and taxes are the only way to do it.

/soapbox

Gaming and Friends

2010-09-20T23:28:00.001-05:00

I am a gamer. For the uninitiated that means I enjoy playing video games. The past 6 months my view of the gaming world has changed dramatically and I felt like sharing my options on the subject...

When you play on-line games the community you are connected with is very important. Some of the greatest friendships I've made in life are with people that exist only in the gaming part of my life. Or are they? In May a long time friend of mine from the gaming community I call home (The Winter Wolves) passed away. Just prior to his passing he and I had a falling out because he was upset that I made made the decision to quit playing the game and he felt like I had an obligation to my fellow gamers to continue on. This feeling of obligation is VERY strong and those of you who are involved in online gaming know what I mean. The fact that my last conversations with this friend were negative in nature, that he was expressing that he was upset and frustrated with me bothers me quite a bit. Though not really in the way you might think. It bothers me to know that what I thought were strong friendships end up being no more than common interests.

I started gaming in the MMO space back in the late nineties like many others. I was drawn in by a group of friends who were playing a particular game and after a considerable amount of research about the game I dove in. It was fun, playing video games is something I always enjoyed growing up and I was then able to do it with my friends on-line on a regular basis. I knew quickly that this was going to be the hobby for me. As the years went on the games changed friendships were lost and new ones were made. I will always look back at these times as some of the best of my life.

Eventually 2002 came which was the worst year of my life. In this year I went from finally getting a good job that paid well, to losing that job due to the small company's failure, to being unemployed for 6 months, getting my car repossessed, and eventually being forced to accept a job that paid far too little to support my wife and I. It was a terrible year that tested the limits of my strength. My self esteem was shot, my depression nearly destroyed my marriage, and to top everything off the only thing I was spending my time doing was gaming online to dangerously addicted levels. 16 hours at a time was not uncommon. I would wake up, get something to eat, login and game all day and night taking breaks only to eat, use the restroom, and occasionally take a shower. Eventually I snapped out of it, started working on my life rather than complaining about it, gave up online gaming and rebuilt my life/marriage. This was the first and most important lesson I learned about life and gaming. Nothing is more important than RL (you're Real Life). I also learned the second lesson, when you're not gaming, your 'friends' in the gaming world don't care whether you exist or not.

After enough time had passed where my life was back on track, my marriage was strong once again so my wife and I made the decision to reincorporate gaming into our lives, only this time we were gonna do it together. So we got some gaming computers built, and we bought two copies of another MMORPG (Massively Multi-Player Online Role Playing Game) and it was good. I once again made good friends in this game and the lessons of the past faded into the back of mind. The game we were playing eventually started to die out as many MMO's do and as the group I was gaming with fell apart. I noticed once again these great friendships I thought I had vanishing and there was nothing I could do about it.

So I go back to my roots going back to a game with the original real friends that I started gaming with in the past. Things went well. This time I went deeper into the gaming experience than I ever had before, this time I started to raid seriously. For those unfamiliar with raiding in the MMO world a raid is a player organized in game event that requires many people working together to achieve a common goal. Competition for a spot in these groups is usually rather fierce. I had raided before, rather successfully but I never took it seriously. This time I went all out. I started making a name for myself and befriending the raid leaders to earn a raiding spot. Over the years I eventually find myself the leader of smaller raiding groups and a part of the raid leadership team on the large raiding group with the Winter Wolves. I once again made great friendships and all was going well.

Fast forward several years and now I am a grizzled and grumpy veteran player and a part of the raid leadership team. I am responsible for organizing the smaller group within the raid who specialize on a particular role. After enough time burnout happens. Everyone has a different threshold for burnout and for me it took nearly 3 years of solid raiding (3-5 nights a week for 3-5 hours a night) for me to finally ask the question, "Why am I doing this? Is it fun?" When I honestly was unable to answer those questions I knew it was time to take a break. Being that I lost friends so many times before I was going to do it different this time. I decided that I would maintain these friendships by remaining and active member of the community and keeping in touch via e-mail and instant messaging with my friends. I really was dumb enough to think it would work. I had made many of these friends over the years, we understood the same struggles, spent so much time together playing these games surely these friendships had the strength to survive. I was wrong. Though some of these friendships still survive many of them have faded. My honest attempts to keep these friends has turned into a disappointing and frustrating adventure.

The lesson learned here I suppose is that friendships, real friendships need to be built on more commonality than a singular common interest. I'm not so sure I will be able to go through all this again the next time I decide to play one of the MMO's. I am far more sensitive about my lost friendships then I lead on...

SWTOR Update: 9/17/2010

2010-09-19T23:55:00.000-05:00

This week we get a developer dispatch for Designing the Lightside along with a Fan Friday. The video is great and you can find it here:

Those of you who know well me know that I am a dedicated Sith historian and have strong opinions of the Jedi. I do have to say however that this video and the care the developers have taken have me really interested in exploring these Jedi stories.

If I haven't said it enough, the more information I find out about this game, the more excited I get.

Technology Reviews: IE9, Mr. X ROM for Touch Pro 2

2010-09-19T23:48:00.001-05:00

Anyone who owns one of HTC's Touch Pro 2 phones and has upgraded to Windows Mobile 6.5 is aware of the rampant performance issues that plague the device. This week I took the time to research the issue and try out a home brew ROM.

In addition this weekend I finally took the time to clean my PC and upgrade to Windows 7. I also decided to try out Internet Explore 9...

HTC's Touch Pro 2 is the phone I've been carrying for several months and mostly I really like the phone. However, after upgrading to the 6.5 Windows Mobile OS I found myself like many other TP2 users fighting performance issues related to a memory hole. I'm not sure where to place the blame on this one, be it Sprint or HTC but I suppose it really doesn't matter the issue is the phone has serious performances issues using the stock 6.5 ROM. After doing some research I discovered many other users were having these issues and the super phone geeks over at PPCGeeks helped me to understand the root causes. I've been a member of PPCGeeks for some time and always found a live community with mostly useful information. After a bit of research I found PPCGeeks user Mr. X and the website that hosts his home brew Mr. X ROM.

I'm gonna have to pause here and warn that installing custom ROM's on your phone is not recommended by most cellular carriers and if you make the wrong kind of mistake it is possible to brick your phone so be careful and know what you're doing.

First I unlock the phone using a Hard-SPL unlocker ROM, then I load up the custom ROM. I spent several years working tech support with multiple mobile phone providers so I am rather versed in mobile technologies so loading a customized ROM was not unfamiliar to me. I have to say that after loading this ROM I was very impressed. Though not perfect as the memory flaw is a problem with the core software (I've yet to pin point if the issue is Windows Mobile 6.5 or if it's HTC Sense) this ROM does rather well at addressing the performance issues. The phone is snappy and seems to be able to handle the amount of data I bring into it. The look is sleek and having several apps like WiFi sharing pre-built into the ROM saved me a bit of time on reloading and setting it up. The true test will be one of time to see how well this ROM performs months down the line however after having it loaded for 5 days now I have to say I'm a fan.

IE9:

As I mentioned above I finally found the time to update my home PC from Vista Ultimate to Windows 7 Ultimate. Nothing interesting to report here but as I had heard that IE9 Beta had been released I should give it a try.

The first thing I noticed is how clean the interface is. I've been a Chrome user for some time due to it's slim interface and functionality. I have to say that initially IE9 is a huge improvement over IE8 and matches many of the features I love about Chrome. I like the ability to move tabs into separate windows and back again. The simple favorites bar, all similar to stuff I use on Chrome.

Over time however I found there are still some areas that I want to see improved. First is I started to post this article using IE9 but Blogger's WYSIWYG wasn't working correctly and I had to switch back to Chrome. :( I also really enjoy Chrome's completely integrated spell check along with their synchronization capabilities. These missing features from IE9 (yes I understand they can be done through add-ons) I think will keep Chrome loaded on my system for a bit longer. For general browsing, Chrome will likely remain my primary browser for now, though I still find myself needing to go back to IE for many of the applications I use that require IE.

Final opinion: IE9 is a huge leap in the right direction but still has some catching up to do if it's going to replace my primary browser. Let's hope by the time IE9 is fully released these issues are addressed.

Cooking Experiment: Fajita Burgers

2010-09-19T15:46:00.000-05:00

So, I posted a few weeks back about a failed cooking experiment and I drew the conclusion that I should stop experimenting when feeding my family. Well, I decided to ignore my own advice and attempt to kick up boring hamburgers another notch and make what I called Fajita Burgers...

Like many home cooks the problem is more commonly not your imagination of what to cook, but rather the ingredients you have on hand. Most of my more creative cooking experiments are the result of being ingredient limited. I was faced this this problem over the weekend, and although this isn't necessarily an example of an overly create solution to "...ok I have this stuff...what can I make out of it that doesn't suck?" it was an example of just such an ingredient challenged situation.

Fajita burgers is not an overly complicated or inspired idea and in this case was simply the result of what I had in the kitchen. I have always been bored with ground anything unless it was mixed and fused with something delicious. So I decided I wanted to take a southwest spin on hamburgers and hope for the best and this is what I came up with.

Ingredient list:

1lb 85/15 Ground Chuck
1/4 of a Green Bell Pepper
1/4 of a Red Bell Pepper
1/2 of a medium white onion (grated)
1 tbsp of minced garlic

Spices to taste:

Salt
Pepper
Cumin
Smoked Chili Powder
Worcestershire Sauce

Finely dice the bell peppers, grate the onions, mix all ingredients to combine and marinate until meat is nearly room temperature (15-20 minutes)

Prepare your grill, I used my outdoor propane grill. I know there are alot of charcoal fans out there and the debate about which is better is a subject all unto itself. I won't go into the details of the debate here however I'll say that I prefer a gas grill over charcoal simply for ease of use and temperature control. I also smoked these with soaked hickory chips using my Wood-Chip Smoking Box. I like to have the grill on as high it will go when I drop my burgers on to ensure the grate is as hot as possible so we can see/taste that beautiful grill mark effect. I then drop my heat to medium low and cook until desired done-ness. Served on kaiser rolls with bacon, and pepper-jack cheese.

Results:

They turned out better than I expected and there is certainly room for improvement (my favorite result because it means I get to try it again :) ). I would have loved to have the stuff to make a custom mayonnaise and some southwest fixings to add like green chilies to match but time/ingredients weren't working for me. Kids weren't that big of a fan, however unless it's frozen pizza, mac & cheese, or chicken nuggets they are hard to impress.

SWTOR 9/10 Update

2010-09-12T15:16:00.006-05:00

So this week we get a delayed update announcing Corellia as well as Blood of the Empire 11. We already suspected Corellia as a planet back when they released the developer dispatch about the game music back in July. In this video we saw a score on the desk of one of the composers referencing Corellia.

I have to say I'm pretty excited though not surprised Corellia was added. Corellia is an iconic planet. The home planet of Han Solo. Coronet City was a popular city in Star Wars Galaxies. The Corellian system is home to 5 inhabited worlds it will be interesting to see how this plays out. I'm really looking forward to seeing it.

This update also included the next episode of Blood of the Empire. This week Teneb Kel faces Exal Kressh for the final time. Teneb is victorious which wasn't necessarily unexpected but still exciting. It will be really interesting to see what happens with Teneb. Every time I read one of these comics I fight the urge to get overly excited again about this game as well as hold back the frustration with the pace that this story is playing out. I WANT MORE DAMNIT! :)

A belated update

2010-09-07T23:28:00.002-05:00

I've been busy and apologize to my few followers. I haven't had the chance to update. Since I haven't updated anything recently we're going to cover several topics.

Cooking:

Over the Labor Day weekend I made several interesting dishes. There are certain things I just don't or I suppose more correctly have never attempted. This time I took a stab at the simple yet delicious hot wings. Being that I've never attempted them before I consulted my culinary hero Alton Brown. On his show Good Eats I have been able to gather a wealth of culinary knowledge. So his method calls for steaming the wings first before roasting. So I head to the store, pick up some whole chicken wings, some hot sauce. I setup my steaming rig and begin to dismantle the chicken. I have to say this was the most satisfying part of the cooking experience. The visceral feeling of cutting through bone is always satisfying. I wonder if this says anything disturbing about my personality. I steam the wings for 10 minutes and then pat try and refrigerate for an hour as per Alton Brown's instructions. Heat up my oven to 425 and roast those bad boys for 20 minutes on each side. Now as I've commented before on cooking posts my family isn't exactly comprised of the most sophisticated culinary enthusiasts, and my wife especially dislikes spicey food. So I cut the hot sauce down by half. This is a simple sauce. 2 tablespoons of melted butter, garlic powder, and 1/8 cup of Louisiana Roasted Red Pepper Hot Sauce (half of the 1/4 called for in the recipe). I have to say it turned out better than expected. Not any better or worse than you might pick up at your typical restaurant.

I also made my famous slow cooked pulled pork. Though this time as an added twist I added chopped green chillies and used a red chili sauce to give it a bit of bite. It turned out REALLY well.

SWTOR:

PAX 2010 was slated as the biggest reveal of new information for 2010. I was so excited I had the live stream for the main stage, and several of the SWTOR community sites up watching the live blogging. After all of the build up the big reveal was that Revan the protagonist from Star Wars Knights of the Old Republic was alive and well in the world and would have some playable instance or flash point for high level characters. Though this is an exciting reveal I felt a bit let down. They had been hinting at this for months so it really wasn't anything new. The trailer is pretty good and you can find it below.

The final bit of SWTOR news is that today it was announced that Sean Dahlberg, community manager for Bioware on the SWTOR project had left the company. His personal blog doesn't go into details. I have only had the pleasure of being a member of the community and didn't really know him personally however I have enjoyed how he ran the community and wish him the best in his future endeavorers.

Work:

After nearly a year and half today I turned on the last bit of our new phone system on. For those of you familiar we implemented Microsoft Office Communications Server 2007 R2 in a full VoIP PBX-less setup. I have to say that OCS can easily become a career all on it's own. I am very happy to see all of those months fighting with the stupid thing finally over and to see a working implementation.

I'm sorry again to those of you who tough it out and read these less than interesting updates. For those of you who follow me on twitter you're aware of the issues I've had with my personal computer after several pieces of hardware decided to fail and the RMA replacements that I was sent were also bad. Perhaps I'll post a rant about that another time. For now I'm just glad to be able to post this from own computer again!

The great oatmeal experiment

2010-08-29T10:01:00.004-05:00

I have never been a fan of oatmeal however I realized that I had never really had anything besides instant oatmeal. So while watching Food Network I come across an episode of Paula's Best Dishes where they made Papa Bear Oatmeal. I love most of Paula Deen's recipes so I decided to give it a try.

Just as I do with any recipe I read and understand the recipe and think about what I may do different. My first thought is to change out the boring normal raisins with a rum soaked variety. So the night before I take 2/3 cup of raisins and cover them in imported rum. I wake up in the morning early so I can have breakfast finished before my wife left for work. I start boiling the water and gathering my ingredients. I didn't have any strawberries so I decided to skip them. I make the oatmeal, add the raisins, and spoon into two bowls for my sons and a coffee cup for my wife (for presentation). For my sons I add a generous helping of brown sugar, dark amber maple syrup, heavy cream and bananas. I give it a quick taste and it's good. For my wife I skip the bananas because she doesn't like them.

So I'm sitting rather pleased with myself. A sweet breakfast for my family. Then I serve it only to find that my family hates it. The boys don't want anything to do with it and my wife claims that she liked it but barely ate any and I think she was simply being polite. The only consolation I guess it that I really enjoyed it. I'll just add this recipe to "stuff I make for myself". The lesson here I suppose is that I should really stop experimentally cook for my family.

For those of you curious, *I* thought it turned out really well.

8/27/2010 SWTOR Update

2010-08-29T09:28:00.001-05:00

So this week was Blood of the Empire 10. As I've blogged before I love these comics. This time Teneb Kel finds himself on Korriban as the republic is attacking. Though his mission is still Exal Kressh the back drop of the attack on the Sith Academy adds an interesting distraction. I find myself wanting to know more about the battle.

This comic expands on the relationship of Maggot and Teneb. If this any demonstration of the type of interactions you can have with your companion characters then this is a very exciting prospect. I am discovering that the story components of games are what I really enjoy. I think back over all the games I've played over the years and the ones I remember as the best were always the ones with the most interesting narrative.

Like all of the comics my only complaint is there wasn't enough. This story is interesting and these tiny tastes aren't nearly enough to satiate my desire to experience the rest of this story.

8/20 SWTOR Update

2010-08-21T08:50:00.001-05:00

I didn't expect much of an update this week considering that GamesCom was going on this week. We got a pretty decent Fan Friday and they added the Starships section to the Holonet.

Earlier in the week they released a quick game play video demonstrating space combat. I am very pleased they went this route with space combat. In SWG: JTL (Star Wars Galaxies: Jump to Lightspeed) although space combat was really good, it ended up being a completely separate game. I recall wishing they would just release that game separately.

Here is the video:

They also released the 'working' names for the AC (Advanced Classes) which really besides the name choices are exactly what we all expected. I think however they should spend more time working on the names as they really seem uninspired to me.

What happened to World of Warcraft?

2010-08-15T19:20:00.001-05:00

I have been a fan of MMORPG's (Massive Multiplayer Online Role Playing Games) for more than 12 years. My first games being UO (Ultima Online) and EQ (EverQuest). Since then I have played almost every game that has come out. Eve Online, (SWG) Star Wars Galaxies, Lineage I & II, the list goes on and on. I started playing WoW (World of Warcraft) in November of 2004 (Launch) and played pretty consistently until just a few months ago when I decided to take a break.

Being away from the game for a few weeks/months really allows you to understand the game in a new way. I would play 10-12 hours a week in the evenings with regularly scheduled in-game events and it was a large -part of my life. I thought when I quit that I wouldn't know what to do and I would miss playing the game. I found the exact opposite to be true. I found myself missing the friends that I played with. When I quit playing the game I remained active in the player community I was a member of while playing the game and I have discovered that the only thing I really miss are those friendships. I find it very interesting that a game I played nearly every day for 6 years could so easily be removed from my life. I have yet to feel "man, I just want to play WoW", I only find myself thinking "man, I miss my friends..."

Now to the point that relates to this posts title. What could be so wrong with a game as wildly popular as WoW that after 6 years I have nearly no desire to play it? I have spent alot of time thinking about it and I think when my opinion started to shift is when the game became so technical that the 'fun' left. For those who aren't familiar WoW has a very large player supported community that produces software and tools used by the player community to min/max (a term used to describe minimizing and maximizing game variables to achieve the mathematically optimal results). The greater term for this is 'theorycrafting' where the specific mathematics used in the game are analyzed to develop the best performance. When I started playing the game part of the fun was going through a dungeon, not knowing what was around the next corner and then the surprise of getting an unexpected reward from that final encounter. The mystery was the fun part. Blizzard (the company who makes WoW) has an expansion coming out later this year and already the creatures you'll be battling and the changes to the game are already known to a level where without really trying you can be a relative expert on the game before it is even released. Now I know some will argue that no one forces people to read all of this information, which is true just like most things, when it's right there in front of you all the time, and you're genuinely interested it's no simple task.

To boil is down simply, WoW stopped being fun when the curtain was pulled back so far that not only did I see the tiny man pulling the strings, but a fully documented build sheet that told me what type of strings where used, what their tensile strength is, how long they are, what sorts of knots were used, etc etc. Some people want to know how everything works. I am an IT consultant, that is what I do at work. When I'm at home I'd rather pretend for a few minutes that I am an all powerful adventurer fighting my way through a dungeon facing some unknown evil...

A birthday party for my son.

2010-08-14T22:30:00.001-05:00

Today my son celebrated the completion of his 3rd trip around on the sun. My wife and I decided that the best way to honor him was to throw him a birthday party. Family and friends getting together to share some pizza and play in the backyard. All in all it looks like we pulled it off and most of our guests appeared to have had a good time. Now I am sitting here exhausted, sore, and dealing with a mild panic attack. For those of you who don't know me personally I suffer from a complex social anxiety disorder that rather unpredictably causes panic attacks when in social situations. These are much more prevalent under high stress. As I'm sure you can easily extrapolate the stress of preparing for this event, as well as the anxiety of knowing what I was getting myself into resulted in a perfect storm.

I am rather proud that I was able to control the more severe panic attack symptoms and was able to stay relatively calm for the afternoon. Though I don't recall my heart rate and anxiety levels staying this high for this long after a social event was over. The last people left my house approximately 2 hours ago and I still find myself anxious, short tempered, and my heart feels like it's going to explode out of my chest.

Over the past several years I have noticed the intensity, frequency, and predictability of these events increase exponentially. I wonder if I should consider exploring this phenomenon with someone who professionally specializes in such things...

8/13/2010 SWTOR Update

2010-08-13T09:23:00.007-05:00

So this weeks update for Star Wars: The Old Republic is for the Jedi Knight class. Nothing really unexpected or new here. They announced the two advanced class options, Guardian and Sentinel (Tank and DPS respectively). They also announced the first companion character for the JK class as T7-01, an Astromech droid with a 'quirky' personality.

They also included a video which looks great:

They also gave us BotE (Blood of the Empire) issue 9. I really enjoy these comics. They are well written and the art is fantastic. The only annoyance if you want to call it that is the constant dancing around of what's going on, the keeping you guessing. Which is most stories I like, however when you only get to read a few pages every 2-3 weeks it gets old really fast.

All in all I am pleased with this week's update. The more I learn about this game the more excited about it I get. I understand the game is still almost a year away but I still wish they would start releasing more information.

9 years of marriage...

2010-08-11T06:09:00.002-05:00

Today I celebrate 9 years of marriage to my wife. I look back at this span of time and I can't help but be filled with memories of all the happy times. In a world where the majority of marriages fail I consider myself fortunate to have the guidance and wisdom to achieve this goal. The old idea of 'all you need is love' really isn't true. A successful marriage takes an incredible amount of work and communication. I can't say my marriage has always been perfect but the foundation of what it's built on, the focus and dedication we have put to getting through those bad times makes me proud. I love my wife more today than I did yesterday, and the day before that. Each and every day, through the good times and the bad times my love for my wife has grown.

So on this anniversary of the day I married the love of my life I say, "Thank you Melissa, I love you. I look forward to every day of our lives we share together."

This picture is my favorite from my wedding. My wife bit me as I fed her the wedding cake. :)

The problem with political debate

2010-08-08T11:55:00.002-05:00

When did people become so intolerant of people simply because they disagree? When did people start to take your opinion as a personal attacks? Every time (with a few notable exceptions) I get involved in a debate about politics I find the people I debate with make it personal. I make a special point when debating anything (especially politics) to keep it to the facts because as the point of this post suggests that people tend to make it very personal. It seems to me that some people take a disagreement with their beliefs or opinion is some sort of rejection of them as a person. This couldn't be further from the truth. Of all the people in my life that I've met those whom have strong, well developed opinions (regardless of me agreeing with them) that are capable of debating and defending them intelligently while remaining respectful of other opinions are the finest examples of humanity I have yet to encounter

It's no secret that I am a conservative and many of my views follow this pattern. However what many people from the other side of the fence seem to fail to realize that a true conservative believes and encourages the freedom of thought and encourages intelligent debate. Real conservatives want their ideas challenged, they want their ideas to stand up to scrutiny and in some cases to be improved by unconsidered thoughts or superior suggestions.

The point is, political debate is the machine that makes the United States the greatest nation in the world. It is the cornerstone, foundation of principles that built this great nation. When people squash debate, damage/end friendships due to different opinions, or worse yet in some cases refuse to continue/engage the debate because they are unwilling to separate their personal emotions from the debate they are directly undermining the processes that built this great nation. When you are personally attacked you should respond to that, however having a different opinion is NOT A PERSONAL ATTACK. I have many friends who live on the other side of the fence and I value those friendships as much (if not more) than friendships with the like minded.

Everything is so expensive

2010-08-07T22:25:00.005-05:00

So I'm planning a party for my 3 y/o son this coming weekend and thought "hey wouldn't it be cool if I could hook up the Zune to the TV and let it be my virtual DJ for the evening? So I go and start researching the cables I need for video and I find the Zune HD AV Dock for $90!!! After some searching on the net I find that the best price is at Amazon but even at $70 I'm taken back by a plastic docking station with a HDMI cable. I really love the Zune but at an average retail price of $200 it upsets me I'm expected to shell out another $70-$90 just for a simple way to use it with my TV!?

After a week of epic hardware failures, my motherboard on my gaming system dieing, and my xbox red ring of death I was seriously disappointed that I was to be denied yet another technology toy to play with.

*sigh*

Lazy Saturday

2010-08-07T18:24:00.001-05:00

This has become a disturbing trend over the past few weeks. I started with a new schedule in the beginning of the year and it was really working. I was feeling better, getting more done. Now, after a few weeks of higher than normal stress levels I'm back to constantly feeling tired and fighting an upset stomach most of the day. Maybe I need a vacation.

8/6 SWTOR Update

2010-08-06T10:34:00.001-05:00

I was exceedingly pleased to see both updates. I always love to see the timeline videos being a huge lore nerd. The playable races weren't all that exciting with the exception of the announcement of the Sith species being playable. This is a self proclaimed Sith historian's dream come true!